Sunday, May 1, 2011

The Future And What To Do With It

This time of year has really been hard. This time last year we were counting down the days until we moved. Summer was right around the corner and all was good. I felt so blessed. Now I feel so much sadness. I am about to have some challenging times. I don't make a lot of money so I need to move. When we moved here we were told the house had central air and heat. The hot water heats off of oil. We were told the gas heat was a back up heat. Well, let me tell you that was not the case. The oil kicked in when it was really cold. We all know it was really cold which meant a lot of oil. We stayed cold all winter because we kept the heat at 68 and used a lot of blankets. I have went through all the money I had saved up. The hard thing now is finding some where to live I can afford and is descent. Apartments are outrageous. I wish we could find a cute little house with a small yard.

This past week I had to go to DMV. Right after we moved here we all went to change our address. Wouldn't you know the computers were all down. We didn't get a chance to go back before Ray died. I had to get tags for the truck and switch everything into my name. It was so hard seems like I have to erase him from everything. As I stood there while the clerk put in all the information. I could feel my eyes start to burn and get heavy. I couldn't hold it all in a tear came out and I quickly wiped it away. No sooner than I walked out the door the tears rolled. It's so hard to lose someone but then to just erase them from everything is even harder.

The girls and I did go to Church Easter. It was the first time since Ray died we have all went together. So many memories just flooded my heart. Afterwards we went out to eat and then home. I could just see Ray standing at his grill cooking us something for Easter dinner. I wish I could explain just how much I miss him.

When Ray first died we all had questions as to why he was taken off his meds and did this contribute to his heart attack. My brother insisted I call his friend a lawyer to review Ray's case. After months of review by the firm and medical examiner it was decided the case was not strong enough. They seem to agree with Ray's health history and the history of his parents a heart attack was coming. It amazes me how 2 dr's can over look his back pain and health history and treat him for muscle spasms. Why wasn't his low blood pressure a sign to do a ekg. I guess I will never know. The lawyer was very kind when he called. I was so upset once again I just fell to pieces. He mailed me Ray's medical records if I wanted to get a second opinion. I don't think I can go through that again. I have read and reviewed what I understood of his records. No matter what I do nothing is going to change the outcome.

It's been a rough couple of weeks. I just don't know if I will ever be able to move on. I push myself everyday to go to work. The weekends are the worse. Ray and I had a routine. We would be lazy on Saturdays then go to the grocery store. Sunday's we went to Church and came home to eat Sunday dinner. Depending on what time of year it was something to do with sports was on the TV. Ray would flip between channels to find a Western to watch in between. Then we would watch Army Wives and True Blood. Go to bed and get up for work and start all over again. I miss my old life and I miss Ray today as much as the first day.