Saturday, January 28, 2012

Lazy Day and Faith

Before you star reading this I wanted to warn you it's a little long. If you make it to the end I am thankful to have met you even if it wasn't in person. I have said it over and over blog friends are the BEST!

Today is what I would call my lazy day. Abby our sweet little dog woke me up earlier than I had planned. Usually she will go out and will come straight back in and go back to bed. Today she went out and took her sweet little old time. By the time Abby decided to come back in I was wide awake. As always she came in and went straight to Eleni's room. She went back to bed for a couple more hours. I cut the computer on and started reading blogs and looking at pintrest. Can I just say that is one addicting web site. After a long while Eleni and Abby got up. Then shortly after Jessica and Pepper one of our cats got up. I still continued to read as I ate a bowl of cereal.  Not too long after Eleni left with her boyfriend Jessica put in a movie and I hit the couch. I took me a good ol nap. Abby at my feet and Ms Pretty our other cat behind me. I just love naps. Why is it you can fall asleep in a minute on the couch but when you go to bed you lay there wide awake? Can I just say I am still in my pajamas. I had no where to go and plenty to do but I felt the need to be lazy today. I did manage to cook dinner and clean up the kitchen. I am hoping tomorrow will be a more productive day. As I stated I have plenty to do. I need to put out my few Valentine decorations and mop some floors and maybe a little tweaking. :)

When  opened blogger up a bit ago I squealed with excitement. I never ever thought it would happen but I hit 100 followers. I'm thinking in a couple of weeks I want to do a give away. I love to read every ones blogs and often find new one's from your favorites. I have met a few ladies who have loved and lost like me. Then there are the other new followers who leave the sweetest messages. I have many long time blogging friends but I always welcome new one's. Blogging has helped me through some rough times. I don't usually post too many pictures but I hope to get better. I know seeing every ones houses is my favorite past time. I look and dream. You all always inspire me with your pictures and family posts. I am not a jealous person well maybe sometimes but I find myself wishing I were some of you. I read about family gatherings and date nights. I just miss that part of my life. When you have been with someone so long it's hard to accept it's final they are not coming back. Which to this day I have trouble accepting this is my life.

Before Ray died we had started going to Church. Tammy over at inspired me to make some changes in our lives. I tried to stress less and lean on God more. I loved the change that came over my family. Sundays we went to Church and then I would cook Sunday dinner as Ray channel surfed. My life felt so perfect in spite of the fact I lost my job and we lost our home. We lived with my Mom a year and it was not easy. Two families just aren't meant to live together long term. Please don't get me wrong I am thankful we were blessed with somewhere to live. Then finally we moved here. We felt so blessed and so happy.

We continued to go to Church and always thanked God for watching over us. I still remember  the last night Ray was here. Ray came into our room and he held me just as tight as he could. I said Ray why are you breathing so hard he said I don't know. I said something isn't right he told me his back was killing him. I gave him pain pills the Dr prescribed. Ray took them then he threw them up. He sat beside me and said call 911. Jessica and I followed behind the ambulance. I could see Ray through the back window. He was sitting upward I said to myself he's fine. I knew God was watching over him. I had no fears. When they came and got me they were running up the hall with him. That's when they said he's having a massive heart attack. I looked at Ray and he was as white as a ghost and gasping to take every breath he could. I became scared but I never worried. Then they came out and told me Ray was in serious condition and may not make it. Never once did it enter my head this could be it. Just let me say I gave all of my worries to God I knew Ray was going to be alright. As time went on Ray became a little better. They took him off the ventilator. He was happy and funny I'm sure the meds had a lot to do with that. :) When I left him that night he insisted on a kiss goodbye and we both said I love you. The next day Ray had another heart attack they had to put him back on the ventilator. I remember the Dr taking me into this room to tell me Ray was in very serious condition and once again may not make it. I looked at him and said what am I supposed to do sit here and watch him die because I will not! I knew God was watching over us. Ray was going to be just fine wait and see. Ray did get a little better. I gave all my glory to God. Ray had surgery 6 days later. He went into cardiac arrest as soon as they put him under. They brought him back and  he made it through a very long hard surgery. The next day they woke Ray for just a second to see if he would respond. He tried to squeeze my hand and wiggled his toes. Then they put him back under. I was the happiest person in the world. Phillip our priest came daily and he knew how comforting his prayers were for the girls and I. Why shouldn't they be God had gave me Ray back. I prayed prayers of thanks over and over. I knew it was God who kept Ray alive. The next 24 hrs became the worst. Ray's organs began to shut down and we were losing him. I prayed and prayed as hard as I could. I knew once again he was going to turn around but he didn't. It's the hardest thing in the world to hear there is nothing else we can do for him. Cutting that machine off was the hardest decision I have ever made. I was in shock for about two weeks. Then it all hit me. I could not understand why the God I loved would put us through such a thing. He could have taken Ray so many times and spared me from having to make that decision. I still feel a lot of guilt even now and wonder what if I had waited. Who was I to do God's work. I have been back in forth with my faith. I have only been back to Church twice in the past year and a half. I'm so confused on what I think is real. The day before Ray's surgery he would not sleep. I could see the fear in his eyes. That night before surgery they called me to come back to the hospital. Ray was pulling tubes out trying to go home. When I got there he had calmed down. Shortly after I got there Ray started pointing to the corner up by the ceiling. He kept trying to tell me someone was over there. I told him I didn't see anything and went to the corner to show him but he still insisted someone was there. I wonder was it an angel preparing him was it just the drugs. I just don't know what is real. I believe there is a God but I'm just not so sure about the rest. I read the book Heaven is Real. I want to believe it so badly. I want to know Ray is ok and healthy again. I want to know he is with God. I just want some kind of sign. Have you seen the video of the young man who died at Christmas. He talks about how sick he has been all his life and how he went into cardiac arrest. He made this video just days before he died. He talks about the bright light and how peaceful everything was he said he smiled a lot. He died shortly after making this video. His parents said it gave them a piece of comfort. If you haven't seen this it's on You Tube. I just put in the subject box boy dies Christmas. I just want to feel some comfort in knowing Ray is ok.

Sorry this is so long. I didn't intend for it to go on and on. I will say it feels good to open up and share that with someone. If you have read this beginning to end thank you for being my friend and listening to me. I have tried to talk to our preacher and he was a great comfort but it just didn't feel like enough. I have turned to friends but they just don't get it. I guess I just need some type of closure.


Saturday, January 21, 2012

Hello Again

Once again I sit here in total silence. Everyone is still asleep. It's nice to have some quiet time alone. I don't get a lot of that, usually if the girls aren't bothering me the animals will. No snow here in Chester,VA but a lot of rain. That's ok I am happy with just rain. The snow is pretty but I am a summer girl. I can not wait for flip flop weather.

I have met so many new people in the last two weeks. I started following more blogs. I have found in my old age I am enjoying reading for the first time. I'm not into novels or anything but I enjoy reading about real people and thier every day lives. I have followed some blogs for about 3 years now. I enjoy watching the children and grandchildren grow in post. I love how some have changed thier decorating style. I will be honest I love when everyone does tweaking around the house. My neighbors at my old house used to make fun of me for all the changes I would make. I was so happy when I started blogging and found out I wasn't the only one and it there ia a name for it! They had me thinking this wasn't normal. Well, I am happy to say I am normal after all. I don't change a lot of things in this house. It has yet to feel like home. As you know we were only here six weeks then my husband died.  Part of me is looking forward to the move. I need a new slate and begining. When I sit here I see Ray in his chair feet propped on his ottoman with his TV blaring now his chair sits empty and the TV is hardly on. I am hoping for a good tax refund this year. I want to buy new furniture. It will be hard to get rid of Ray's chair but it's time for something new.

I want to thank everyone who has sent me emails. Many of you have sent me your number and said if I ever need to talk. I think this is so sweet but I don't have a house phone. No one ever called us. My dad may call once a week but that was it. We will just use our cell phones. The bad thing about that is we share minutes. The girls mainly text so my dad will be calling my cell. Our lives have changed so much. No one calls no one stops by we see no one. we have guest maybe twice a year and that's when my dad comes to town. It's really kind of sad the girls and I are up against the world all alone.

I'm sorry that all my post seem so sad. I get on here and the words just flow. I hope I have some good things to share in the near future. Maybe even some pictures. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. Stay safe and warm and as always thanks for stopping by.


Monday, January 16, 2012


As I sit here at my desk I am surrounded by silence. I hear absolutely nothing. The girls are still asleep as well as the cats and dog. I know it's just a matter of time before Eleni wakes up and turns on her stereo and calls me fifty times for no reason. Soon Jessica will be waking up and she will turn on the TV to watch while she eats before she leaves for work. Abby will soon be chasing the cats because after all that's what dogs do, but for now I will enjoy the silence.

This year started off a little shaky. I woke up New Year's Day with a migraine that lasted for 3 days. I finally went to the Dr a few prescriptions and a steroid shot later it began to ease up. If anyone out there suffers from migraines you know how bad they can be. Most of the time I have to just sleep them through. Then I woke up with another yesterday. I took some meds and a nap and woke up feeling better. Every since we moved in this house I have suffered migraines. I am wondering if it's from the oil heater furnace. It heats our hot water so it runs all year. I have a carbon monoxide detector but I wonder if the fumes are just enough to give me a headache but not harm me. When we first moved here we were told it was central air and heat and oil hot water. Ok no big deal. Well, what was not told to me is when it gets a certain temperature the oil heat kicks in. Last year it was so cold I was buying oil constantly. This year I am loving the warmer temps. I keep the heat on really low and we just use a lot of blankets. I just don't have the money to spend on oil like I had last year.

I'm not sure if you remember me talking about how much I hated my job. Then things turned around when we got a new manager. He was a blessing in disguise. He really turned our department around and made it a place you wanted to come. When Ray got sick my manager would call and check on us. He was more than a manger he had become my friend. Long story short they announced to us that he would be leaving the department to manage a new department. I can honestly say the whole department was sad. I wish him the best but hate to see him go. They announced who our new senior manager  which is another really nice man. I know he will do a good job but it just won't be the same. We all know I'm not a fan of change.

I have gained a few new followers and received a few emails. I'm looking forward to getting to know them better. I have been trying to follow more blogs because I love reading about every one's daily experiences whether it be in decorating or just everyday life. I have said it more times than I'm sure you want to hear I miss my old life. Someone once asked me how I was doing and I said you know your whole daily routine is thrown off. I get up in the mornings and get ready for work alone. I do not get a kiss goodbye or hear I love you. These are the things that can throw your whole routine off. This is all before I get to work so you can imagine how sad my evenings have become. Most nights I eat alone if the girls are out or working. I watch my favorite show The Young and the Restless and then I get on the computer for a bit. Go to bed and read a little and then to sleep. I only go out to buy groceries or if I need something for the house. I probably have  been out less than 10 times for fun since Ray died. I am just content at home. I am always afraid I will see people I haven't seen in awhile when I do I really try to go the other way. I just can't handle being asked so how are you doing. The truth is I die a little inside everyday but you would never know. I put on a fake smile for my girls and pretend things are ok. Sometimes it's easier to hide behind a lie than to tell the truth.

I can't believe it everyone is still asleep and all I hear is silence. Wow! I hope you all have a wonderful and blessed day. Thanks again for your kind words and for stopping by.


Monday, January 2, 2012


Happy New Year everyone. I hope everyone enjoyed the holidays this year. They came and went so fast. It's true the older you get the faster time goes. I did make it until midnight. I did not watch the ball drop. We have not cut Ray's phone off yet so at midnight I called his phone just to hear his voice. I just needed to start my new year off with him in it. The girls made me a recording of his voice mail message for Christmas. It's time we cut the phone off but I will still have his voice.

This year will come with a lot of changes. My youngest Eleni will be graduating in June. I know we will be moving around that time. Not sure what all the future holds or where we may end up but I know changes are coming. Everyone says June isn't far away and I need to start thinking what's my next move. To be honest it's just too far ahead for me. I'm still taking things one day at a time any more than that is too much.

2011 offered a lot of changes for me. My life seemed too cluttered with things. Once Ray died I started to give away things. I was a huge Boyd's Bear collector and now I have boxed them all away. Anyone looking for a special piece or interested they are free to a good home. I started giving away Longaberger baskets and pottery. I gave away pieces of furniture and pictures. If I didn't use it or want it I just gave it away. I held on to a few pieces of Ray's clothes because they reminded me of him or still smelled like him. I finally parted with those. It's the simple things I have come to cherish the most. I couldn't part with Ray's favorite base ball hat. It's worn and stained but when I see it it makes me smile. Over the years Ray has spoiled me at Christmas. He would buy me bears and baskets galore. Then later in years he started buying me jewelry. My favorite gift of all is the 2 little snowmen globe ornaments he gave me with our names on them. Something he probably bought at Michael's. They are so simple and personal I keep them out year round. I have a basket full of cards and ticket stubs from over the years. I didn't get rid of everything of Ray's. The girls took some things and I kept his sword and knife collection along with his jewelry and golf clubs. I still have our collection of golf balls from when we would go to different places. It's funny because I didn't invade Ray's personal space so to speak. When he died I had to go through his things. In his golf bag I found some old coins Ray had found while playing golf. The girls had given him a #1 Dad golf ball and I was told later by his friends he only used it for putting. He cherished that ball. Once again it's the simple things that mean the most. When it's my time to go I want Jessica and Eleni to want things that make them think of Ray and I, not a bunch of stuff that will end up in a good will or yard sale. Sometimes things are just that things.

2011 my depression seemed to get better. I did away with so many meds. I felt like a zombie some days. I have learned to control my tears in public. Where as before they flowed if you just looked at me. I still see my Dr regularly and he says I've come a long way but I still have a little further to go. I just don't know I will ever be who I once was a part of me died when Ray died. I get up and try to make the best of everyday. Trust me some days it's a real chore but I have to. I hope 2012 will continue to bring me more days I can cope with and less tears.

If you have read this thanks so much. Thanks for stopping by and for always leaving me encouraging messages. It's the theraphy that has helped the most!