Saturday, October 8, 2011

Just Wondering

As I sit here thinking I can't help but wonder what my life would be like if Ray had lived. After Ray died things went so fast things to do and plan. It all didn't really hit me until two weeks later when I went back to work. We have to go by the hospital where he died. It all hit me at that moment. The realization of what had really happened. Small story short this lead to a major break down. I was seeing a counselor and my family Dr one to two times a week. I can honestly say I was at the lowest place I had ever been in my life. Suicide seemed like an easy out. I wouldn't have to hurt anymore and I would be with Ray again. He was the love of my life and it all fell apart so fast. After months of counseling this finally turned into seeing a psychiatrist. Yesterday I had my two month visit. I have learned to hide my feelings. He seen right through me. He said I need to stop pretending and start trying to move on. One thing that I struggle with is the decision to take Ray off life support. Even though they said there was nothing more they could do I still help wondering what if. What if a miracle happened and he got better. What if I decided to quickly and didn't give him a chance to fight back. Just sitting here wondering today.

This time of year is really hard for me. Ray loved football and racing. It seems funny to see Fall coming and no football or racing on my TV all weekend. Ray and I met on Halloween 25 years ago and started dating 2 days later and had been together every since then. Veteran's day would be Ray's 43'rd birthday. December 2 our 23'rd wedding anniversary. Once again it just makes me sit here and wonder what if?

I know I am blessed to have had that kind of love but I tell you it hurts like Hell when it's gone. My love for Ray will never be gone but I really miss my husband and best friend. I miss my morning kiss good bye and hearing I Love You. I miss being a couple. I have had a really hard time going back to Church. I just can't understand why? Why my husband the father of my children why so young? I know you are not supposed to ask why and knowing may not be any better but once again just wondering.

Sorry my post is sad today. I just needed to vent out loud. If you read this thanks for being there for me especially these past 14 months.