Monday, September 20, 2010


I keep trying to find my way but I keep getting lost. I am really having a difficult time with the loss of my husband Ray. I miss him so much some days it actually hurts to breathe. I even pray that God will just come get me so I can see him again. Things are so different and everyone says give it time. Time what does that mean time to get used to Ray being gone? Time to forget? My heart is broken into a million tiny pieces and I can't put it back together. I actually feel like I am dieing that my body is starting to shut down. Nothing will ever be the same.

We moved into our home six weeks before he got sick. We were so happy and this house was full of love, joy, and laughter. Now you can hear a pin drop. I try to be strong for my girls. I have learned to cry alone, in a pillow, and in the shower. I can't figure out what I am supposed to do next. My life has always been about Ray and the girls. My girls are getting older Ray and I were looking forward to being grandparents one day and maybe moving to South Carolina. We had dreams now my dreams and my best friend are gone. I just don't understand how and why this happened why now?

I tried to go back to work twice. It was hard riding by the hospital and working for the hospital. The first time they sent me home because I was an emotional wreck. I tried to go back again and cried for 2 days and now I am out under Dr's care and seeing a counselor. I have no clue what's next for me and my girls. I can only tell you I would not wish this pain on anyone.

This will probably be my last post on this blog. Thanks to all of you who have always been there and stuck by me. Please know I have loved getting to know each and everyone of you and thanks for inviting me into your home.


Sunday, September 5, 2010


I know it's been a really long time since I posted. We did finally move into our own home mid June. It started off great but then I started having headaches and losing sleep. I had to go to the Dr and get something for the migraines. Finally I started to feel better but something was just not right. The heat was bad this summer but hey it was better than snow in my opinion. We started to settle in our home and we were ALL very happy.

On August 2 we had to rush Ray to the hospital. We were there no time and we all ran to the Cardiac Cath Lab. He was having a massive heart attack. It was touch and go for almost 2 weeks. On August 12th Ray went for surgery to to have a heart pump put in. It was to assist him until he could recover enough to go on the Heart Transplant list. Ray did fine at first then he took a turn for the worse. August 14th at 10:23pm Ray passed away. It seems like a really bad dream. I was there by his side until the end. I told him over and over how proud I was of him for fighting as long as he could. I assured him the girls and I would be ok and thanked him for being a wonderful husband and father. My life will be forever changed.

I don't know what I want to do next. This house although we only had 6 weeks in it as a family is a reminder of Ray. We don't really like being here and we loved it at first. Eleni stays busy and Jessica stays to herself. I have not been able to return to work. I tried last week and my emotions got the best of me and they sent me home. It was obvious I needed more time. School starts here Tuesday and I am going to try to return to work. I hope we can get back into some kind of routine. I don't know how much I will be blogging but please know I do try to read when I can. I love getting lost in your stories and decorating it's therapy for my mind.