Sunday, May 1, 2011

The Future And What To Do With It

This time of year has really been hard. This time last year we were counting down the days until we moved. Summer was right around the corner and all was good. I felt so blessed. Now I feel so much sadness. I am about to have some challenging times. I don't make a lot of money so I need to move. When we moved here we were told the house had central air and heat. The hot water heats off of oil. We were told the gas heat was a back up heat. Well, let me tell you that was not the case. The oil kicked in when it was really cold. We all know it was really cold which meant a lot of oil. We stayed cold all winter because we kept the heat at 68 and used a lot of blankets. I have went through all the money I had saved up. The hard thing now is finding some where to live I can afford and is descent. Apartments are outrageous. I wish we could find a cute little house with a small yard.

This past week I had to go to DMV. Right after we moved here we all went to change our address. Wouldn't you know the computers were all down. We didn't get a chance to go back before Ray died. I had to get tags for the truck and switch everything into my name. It was so hard seems like I have to erase him from everything. As I stood there while the clerk put in all the information. I could feel my eyes start to burn and get heavy. I couldn't hold it all in a tear came out and I quickly wiped it away. No sooner than I walked out the door the tears rolled. It's so hard to lose someone but then to just erase them from everything is even harder.

The girls and I did go to Church Easter. It was the first time since Ray died we have all went together. So many memories just flooded my heart. Afterwards we went out to eat and then home. I could just see Ray standing at his grill cooking us something for Easter dinner. I wish I could explain just how much I miss him.

When Ray first died we all had questions as to why he was taken off his meds and did this contribute to his heart attack. My brother insisted I call his friend a lawyer to review Ray's case. After months of review by the firm and medical examiner it was decided the case was not strong enough. They seem to agree with Ray's health history and the history of his parents a heart attack was coming. It amazes me how 2 dr's can over look his back pain and health history and treat him for muscle spasms. Why wasn't his low blood pressure a sign to do a ekg. I guess I will never know. The lawyer was very kind when he called. I was so upset once again I just fell to pieces. He mailed me Ray's medical records if I wanted to get a second opinion. I don't think I can go through that again. I have read and reviewed what I understood of his records. No matter what I do nothing is going to change the outcome.

It's been a rough couple of weeks. I just don't know if I will ever be able to move on. I push myself everyday to go to work. The weekends are the worse. Ray and I had a routine. We would be lazy on Saturdays then go to the grocery store. Sunday's we went to Church and came home to eat Sunday dinner. Depending on what time of year it was something to do with sports was on the TV. Ray would flip between channels to find a Western to watch in between. Then we would watch Army Wives and True Blood. Go to bed and get up for work and start all over again. I miss my old life and I miss Ray today as much as the first day.



Anonymous said...

Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there....I do not sleep.

I am the thousand winds that blow...

I am the diamond glints on snow...

I am the sunlight on ripened grain...

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you waken in morning's hush,

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of gentle birds in circling flight...

I am the soft star that shines at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry_

I am not there....I did not die.

Carmen C. said...

I'm so sorry Donna, some of the things hospitals do these days are questionable. I hope you can find a new place that is more affordable and nice as well ((HUGS))

Susannah said...

Oh ..Bless you, my child! You have been through so much! I hope you can find just what you are looking for when it comes to finding a place to live. And I pray it is affordable. I know you are so sad and you have every right to be. For your girls, you must go on in this life. It is hard, I know.

Take care and it is good to read your post. I was wondering about you.


Karen said...

I know it is hard for you. I haven't been there, but I can imagine the pain you are feeling. I will pray that you can find a nice, affordable home. Hugs to you. Karen

t_smith14 said...

Oh Donna. I don't know what I would do if I lost our home. This home, Johnny's home, is what keeps me closest to him. I feel comforted and peaceful when I am here. In our situation it is hard to feel blessed, but when I see that there are widows, widowers that are losing their homes, and have to struggle, I do know that I am blessed. I know after Johnny died, I had MANY people come to me and wanted me to check with a lawyer, including our financial advisors. I just couldn't do it. NOTHING would bring Johnny back. The bottom line was he was gone and NO amount of money or time would change that. I haven't taken Johnny's name off of anything. Unless I am missing something (and I could be. You know how thinking becomes.) I don't find the need to. He is still on my checking account, utilities, home, etc. I cannot do that. I understand how you feel about that. I am sending hugs to you once again. Lorry

Tracy said...

Oh goodness. I just found your blog. I do hope you are doing ok.

I know that in our society, when someone dies, the "administrative diddly dinks" don't care. It's business as usual and you hardly have time to greive. I'm praying that all will be well with you.

Anonymous said...

Hi Donna! I remember the heartache I felt for you the first time I stopped by which was your post about Ray's passing! I didn't find your blog again until today and I just wanted to say: don't listen to ANYONE and take as much time as you need to let Ray go; when it is right for you you will begin to take bigger steps to move on - I believe your current situation is a bit of a nudge from Ray to begin a new chapter in your life no matter how forced and painful!! Your honesty about your feelings has given me the kick in the butt to appreciate today! Best wishes dear for feeling better each day - Sincerely, Jeannette (I also hope you can get a good nights sleep soon - it will make a huge difference in your coping ability!)

Allison said...

(((Hugs))) Thinking of you during these hard time.

Tammy ~ Country Girl at Home ~ said...

Oh Donna, this post just brought tears to my eyes. I haven't been on my blog or anyone else's in awhile, but I think about you alot. I can imagine how you must feel...I'm specifically praying you'll find that cute little house with a yard!