Sunday, August 14, 2011

Lost in Time

I find myself lost in time as I remember my life a year ago. I was on my third straight night at the hospital. I remember sitting and waiting for something good to happen only to be told you may not make it through the night. My heart fell to the bottom of my stomach as I heard the news. How was I going to tell the girls there dad may not make it? Eleni took the news very hard and Jessica turned and walked away. I had to break the news to Ray's family. Ray's brother took the girls home for me and the rest of us spent the night sleeping in chairs. I came back to see Ray as much as they would let me. I remember as the sun was coming out looking out the window and praying for a miracle. I was on my fourth day with very little sleep wondering how was I still standing. As the day went by I spent most of it sitting by Ray's side holding his hand and praying so hard. I could see it in his face he looked so tired like he was fighting with all he had. The day went on I watched as he became worse. Then the moment came they told me there was nothing more they could do. A part of me died when Ray did that night.

The last year has been a year of pure hell. I just kept reliving that night over and over for months. I didn't eat or sleep. I wanted to just die so I could be with Ray. The days turned into weeks and the weeks into months. I had all of my year of first without Ray. Now it's a year since he has been gone. Time doesn't heal it just helps you cope. I don't know that I will ever really heal from this. The pain I feel today is as strong as the pain that I felt a year ago. Ray was my life. I adored my husband and loved being married. I loved being a mom and wife. If you are reading this please take one word of advice from me PICTURES! As the mom I was always taking the pictures and have very few of us all together. I cherish everyone of those pictures and moments. You always think you have time but when the truth is told we really don't know how much time we have with the one's we love. Cherish every moment you have together with the one's you love.

I know this past year my blog has been sad. It has helped me learn to cope as I have poured my feelings out. Thank you to those who have stuck by me and left me such great comments. Thanks for being there when I needed it most.


Thursday, August 4, 2011

Blog Friends are the BEST

I received an email from a dear sweet blogger Rachel. Her blog is called http://somewhere in the middle/ she loves her family and her home and gardens are beautiful. Her email asked could she send me some things to help me decorate my living room. I was so shocked and happy when I received her package. It was loaded with one goodie after another. I have been blessed to receive so many things from bloggers. The best gift of all is each and every friend I have met from blogging. Rachel thanks so much and I will post pictures soon. I loved each and every gift. Make sure you pop over and check out her blog and her mom and sisters blog also.

Have you ever seen a house and you just wish you could go and look through the windows. I live around house that were mostly built in the late 60's or early 70's. Every now and then they will clear out a wooded lot and up goes a beautiful brand new home. Well, in the middle someone has built a most gorgeous house. It's a red salt box house with blue shutters and white trim. I can tell by the curtains it has to be prim. I'm dieing to just knock on the door and say can I adore your house from the inside awhile. The funny thing is when I show my friends this house I love and my daughter I get the same face and comments " It looks like a barn!" This is when I miss Ray the most because even if he thought that he would have said something I wanted to hear. He got me and that's what made our love so special. We really knew one another like best friends. I have a lot of friends well, I did I have pushed so many people away this past year. I just need time to heal my way. I don't have any friends like you in blog land. I was telling a friend about painting a shelf and she was so not interested. I have no one who appreciates my love for old things. Everyone is so busy trying to have the new and the best and they don't take the time to appreciate what's around them.

As I approach the anniversary of Ray's death I have been feeling really down and depressed. I feel like I'm living this awful dream all over again. My heart breaks and aches for the life I used to have. I hope to get through the next week without too many tears. Thanks again for everyone out there who leaves me such great messages. They have helped me get through some of my worse days!