Saturday, October 8, 2011

Just Wondering

As I sit here thinking I can't help but wonder what my life would be like if Ray had lived. After Ray died things went so fast things to do and plan. It all didn't really hit me until two weeks later when I went back to work. We have to go by the hospital where he died. It all hit me at that moment. The realization of what had really happened. Small story short this lead to a major break down. I was seeing a counselor and my family Dr one to two times a week. I can honestly say I was at the lowest place I had ever been in my life. Suicide seemed like an easy out. I wouldn't have to hurt anymore and I would be with Ray again. He was the love of my life and it all fell apart so fast. After months of counseling this finally turned into seeing a psychiatrist. Yesterday I had my two month visit. I have learned to hide my feelings. He seen right through me. He said I need to stop pretending and start trying to move on. One thing that I struggle with is the decision to take Ray off life support. Even though they said there was nothing more they could do I still help wondering what if. What if a miracle happened and he got better. What if I decided to quickly and didn't give him a chance to fight back. Just sitting here wondering today.

This time of year is really hard for me. Ray loved football and racing. It seems funny to see Fall coming and no football or racing on my TV all weekend. Ray and I met on Halloween 25 years ago and started dating 2 days later and had been together every since then. Veteran's day would be Ray's 43'rd birthday. December 2 our 23'rd wedding anniversary. Once again it just makes me sit here and wonder what if?

I know I am blessed to have had that kind of love but I tell you it hurts like Hell when it's gone. My love for Ray will never be gone but I really miss my husband and best friend. I miss my morning kiss good bye and hearing I Love You. I miss being a couple. I have had a really hard time going back to Church. I just can't understand why? Why my husband the father of my children why so young? I know you are not supposed to ask why and knowing may not be any better but once again just wondering.

Sorry my post is sad today. I just needed to vent out loud. If you read this thanks for being there for me especially these past 14 months.

Donna

15 comments:

annie said...

No words, have not walked where you have had to go, but I can tell you I listen to you. Sending you a hug.

taylors*farmhouse*attic said...

I know some of what you speak of...WE are at the "why" stage with my nephew's death..."What if" and "why"....After 10 months we still have no answers...My brother and sister-in-law still run into the boy that killed him...No arrest! Ruled an accident!...It's just learning to live with it that is hard and taking each day at a time with God's help...It has put a heartache in our family that we cannot see healing...HUGS TO YOU!!!!

Claudia said...

Sending you a prayer and hug.

lilraggedyangie said...

Donna , sweetie hang in there , hes with you every step of the way and we would want you to go on! Big HUGS from across the miles to you sweetie ! Your in my prayers! lilraggedyangie

Joy ~ Doodlebug ~ said...

Hi Ms. Donna,

I know that we have no idea what you're going through because we're not in your shoes, but the best advice I can give is this: Pray hard, read the Bible, go to church, and just try to get back into life Go shopping. Do something fun. I know it seems hard and I know you don't understand why Mr. Ray died, but please just try. I don't like seeing you post sad posts all the time! :(

God bless you and we love you! Take refuge in God--he provides unbelievable comfort. That closeness that you miss--the love and comfort and protection and provision--it can come from God if you will allow it.

The next time you get in the car (or if you have a radio in your house), tune your radio to 90.1 FM. I looked this up and I think it's the right channel for where you live. We listen to this station all the time and LOVE IT!

Love,
Joy :D

alanna said...

Sending you a hug here from Pa. I just lost my husband on August 23 of cancer and I'm having a hard time, also. It doesn't seem fair whne I look around at all of this work that he did on this farm of ours. I hope that I can be happy again someday. I'm taking it one day at a time and just when I think I'm doing good I fall apart whne I hear our favorite song or something reminds me of him. I so loved him and I'm so lonely without him in my life. Take care-I'm thinking of you! Alanna of Pa.

At Home With Amy said...

Still praying Donna.... Asking for Gods peace, mercy and comfort for you.

Warm Hugs,
AMY

Elizabeth said...

I just discovered your blog. My heart goes out to you and I pray that you have peace in your life and know that as much as it hurts now,it will get better and one day wonderful memories will replace the hurt. Elizabeth

Susannah said...

We don't know each other...but I have prayed for you many nights in the last few years. My husband is still with me so I suppose I do not know what you feel but I can listen. God bless you.

Susannah

Penny said...

I stumbled onto your blog from another -- my heart aches for you and I pray for comfort from above...
My story is a little different, in that I lost my father when he was only 40 years old.... I was 11. The 'why's' and 'what if's' still sneak into my life from time to time.... I do not know the answers, but I do think about this -- Someone once told me that we do not know what my father's life would have been like had he lived. Perhaps he would be in terrible pain? Perhaps he would live with frustration and depression? Perhaps he would have suffered some other way?
Perhaps the Lord taking him was the best for him, my father... to spare him the pain he would have had to endure here on earth. There is some comfort in that for me. I hope you find some in that, as well.
Wishing you peace and comfort.

A Primitive Homestead said...

I saw you commented on another blog & thought it had been some time since hearing from you so I clicked & stopped in to say hi today. Prayer lifted for you & the girls. Blessings!
Lara

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Contrôle Qualité said...

Time heals all wounds. Time will come you will remember him but the pain is gone.

County Jail  said...

I know you are suffering a hard time. Just keep on praying and keep in mind that he wouldn't be happy seeing you like that.