Sunday, February 12, 2012

Valentine's Day

Every year for awhile now I write notes to my daughters for Valentine's Day. Sure I could buy them a card but once I started the letters it became a tradition. They keep them from year to year. I always loved Valentine's Day. I could never get tired of hearing those three words I LOVE YOU! Now Valentine's Day is a hard day for me. It will be 1 1/2 years since Ray passed away. I would give anything to hear him say I Love You just one more time.

I have been having a rough few days lately. I'm just so tired. Yesterday I slept until 1pm and then went back to sleep a little after four and slept until after seven. I got online for awhile and went back to bed by midnight. I really am not doing as well as I lead people to believe. I've gotten good about hiding my real feelings. I try to focus on something to keep my mind from straying. During the week I can not wait for Friday's. It's my favorite day of the week now. The thing I focus on most is graduation day. Eleni will graduate June 6th. Anything beyond that is just too much for me to handle. I'm worried how we will make it with everything getting so ridiculously high. I need to find a place for us to move that I can afford. Some days I just don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to be the go to person who will make everything better. I can't but help wanting to be with my husband. I can not put into words just how much I miss him. I don't know how people do it. How do you move on when you are lost in so much grief. I used to love being with my friends and old neighbors. I still love them all but it just reminds me of my life before. I so miss my old life. Believe me when I say it was far from perfect. Ray became ill for the first time in 1993. I was nine months pregnant with Eleni. That's when Ray was diagnosed with kidney failure. He started dialysis 2 days before she was born. In 1994 Ray's sister gave him a kidney. It went in and out of rejection a lot of hospital time. In 1998 Ray was having chest pains a week later he was having quadruple bypass. In 1998 Ray's kidney went into complete rejection which meant he was back on dialysis. In 2001 Ray received another kidney from a cadiver donor. Ray did very well until 2006 he had a few minor strokes. They did a cat Scan and he had some brain damage to the left side of his brain. He picked himself back up and did ok until 2009. He started having bad leg cramps and tired after walking awhile. Back to the Dr only to hear Ray had blockages in his legs. I was out of work and we had no insurance at the time. We had talked about after we moved him having his legs worked on. That way he would have been on my insurance a year. Ray didn't make it after his 2010 hospital stay. This all started when he was 24 years old. My dad keeps telling me how lucky Ray was to live as long as he did. It doesn't feel like luck if feels like a slap in the face. You try so hard to do the right things and you just keep getting knocked back down. My whole adult life was about taking care of Ray and my girls. Ray and I were looking forward to it being just us after Eleni graduated. We never got the chance to be just us. Even though I am looking forward to Eleni graduating it's also a reminder of a time I was looking forward to the most. I guess you could say I have a huge whole in my heart and it's just getting bigger.

Sorry for such another long post. I hope you all have a Happy Valentine's Day filled with LOVE!

Donna

21 comments:

annie said...

Donna, I wish I could help, but know I can't. I hope the writing helps, I read what you write. I'm listening.
My Mom raised 6 of us after my Daddy died, I was the youngest, 7 at the time. She took care of my grandparents. My Grand Mother had throat cancer, my Grand Daddy was on crutches for life after he was crushed in a coal mine acccident. My Mom ironed clothes, and cleasned other peoples houses for years to feed us. I don't know how she made it, but she did. I just want you to know I pray for you. Lean on the Lord all you can, and try and take it one day at a time.

Barb said...

I'm not sorry you wrote such a long post, Donna. Emptying out what hurts helps a lot. I know. I'm having to do it every day now that my husband, my best buddy is on hospice. It's not been that long since you lost your husband. I can only imagine how much you long for him now. Things are more expensive and it is understandable why you're worried and concerned. I want you to know I will be keeping you in prayer. I raised four kids alone before marrying my Johnny. I'd never have made it without leaning on the Lord. Do that too, my friend. He'll not let you down. It helps too,to not run ahead to the What If questions. Running ahead makes us worry much more. Looking back prevents us from moving forward. Focusing on the present moment, a moment at a time, if need be, helped me a lot. Maybe doing that can help you too. I'm hoping it will. Take care.

sandy said...

Hi Donna
I can sympathize with you...can not imagine how hard it must be to lose your husband. It is good that you can write and share your hurt. I am not sure if you are a believer or not but He is there for you. He wants you to come to Him with all your cares as He loves you. He can also handle your anger if that is part of the problem...saying a prayer for you.

Raggedy Creations said...

Hi Donna I can hear the hurt in your writing and my heart goes out to you. My husband left me for another woman. I once told my father in law I thought I could have handled it better if he had died. I had to rely on God to get me through those years. Perhaps if you find you a good church with a wonderful pastor they can help you through this difficult time. Will be thinking of you dear friend.

Felicia

Debbie said...

I just want to say, I am praying for you. Rely on God, he will always be there for you.

God Bless~
Debbie

Susannah said...

Donna, Your hearfelt post will awaken many to the grief a woman goes through when she loses her husband. I am so sad for you. Know that you are in my prayers.

Susannah

Walking on Sunshine... said...

I cannot begin to imagine how hard it is to lose the love of your life. Just keep taking one step at a time, one day at a time. Try not to concentrate on the whole big picture now. Don't apologize for your grief. It is real and it is a part of you. You had a wonderful marriage and it's going to take time to get through losing your husband. I hope your day is good and your girls shower you with love tomorrow!!!

A Primitive Homestead said...

No need to apologize hon. You are in pain. It is understandable to have these thoughts. I find it helps to just get it out rather than hold it in. One step at a time. You will find that after graduation there will be another mile stone in life to look forward to. I fill for you. I lost the love of my life but in a much different way than you. He walked out on our marriage. When you love another with all your heart I have found you just can't accept they are no longer a part of your world. I pray you will find affordable housing soon. God be with you & blessings!
Lara

Tammy ~ Country Girl at Home ~ said...

Donna,

I love that you write letters to your girls every Valentines Day! That's so special and so meaningful! We do homemade cards, which is special too. Those always mean the most to me!

Donna, it is good for you to get your words down and you never know who you are helping as well with what you write.

I know we've talked before....and I love all the comments here! But the one thing that will get you through this is a personal relationship with Jesus. I've never asked you if you've done that. I see Sandy did. Going to church and having a church family and a pastor is great too. But your personal relationship with Christ is the most important. Although I haven't gone through what you have, I know Jesus the only one to get me through any hard times I've experienced.

You may have seen the movie, Courageous. If not, there are words in there that are wise words. The pastor gives this advice to Adam, the main character in dealing with the loss of his daughter - Losing a loved one is similiar to having an amputation. You do heal but you're never the same. He also told him that he had to make a choice between being angry for the time he didn't have with his daughter or thankful for the time he did have. He chooses to be thankful and to do what's necessary to help the rest of his family. It is hard, but God gets them through hard.

Now those words were hard for me to write here because I haven't dealt with such a loss as you, but I felt I needed to express that to you today, Donna!

You know I'm praying for you!

Love, Tammy

Orange Sink said...

Hi Donna,
I wanted to thank-you for your comment on my blog today. Believe it or not before I posted about the flowers I received today I felt a tugging in my heart for those whom Valentines Day is probably a day hard to deal with. There are so many in your situation having lost loved ones and dealing with the hard times we all have facing us. I want you to know that my heart aches badly for you and all those undergoing difficulties and losses. One thing that I recognize from reading your words you've wonderfully written is a heart that is larger and more open and able to understand the sufferings of others. To have the strength and courage to write how you feel and put it out for others to see and read is a strength and a gift. I will pray for your healing and strong energies to overcome all your sorrows and that you may find hope and faith in better days ahead. The single red rose in my bouquet today belongs to you..... you are the rose... full of love and beauty and grace!
In loving friendship !!
Hugs!
cathy g

frontporchprims said...

Donna, I know how lonely and sad you must feel. I think it's normal to feel as you do. It's a hard thing to mourn. It does help to write and share your feelings though. Good for you to look for support that way. I hope that you can take it one day at a time. Sometimes that's the only way to make it. You should write more about how you feel so we can help build you up. I know you can do it. It is hard, but you are wonderful.
-Steph-

Sharon said...

Donna, I read your post and I want you to know that prayers are coming to you and the girls.
I agree with the others who have commented.I feel that your words being written down and GOD will help start the healing. Babysteps..
My friend told me that after the loss of her son and husband just a month apart she would not have made it if not for her to go back to church and her friends there. Lots of her friends there had gone through the same as her. She is now doing better and it has been a year now.
Prayers sweet one and you keep writing down your feelings and I will be here to read them.
Hugs

Vee said...

It is not easy to be grieving. I hope that you have people in your life to talk to and someone whom you can tell all the things you just shared here. You are stronger than you know and people are counting on you so take care of yourself and choose to have a good day today. What would a good day look like? Do that.☺ Don't borrow too much trouble from tomorrow. Things have a way of working out.

Nezzy said...

Oh Miss Donna, my heart and prayers go out to you. I can't imagine. I've lost a daddy and a father in law but I can't even wrap my mind around what it's like to lose the love of your life.

I'm sooo sorry! I wish I could reach through this thing and give ya a big old hug.

I saw your friendly face on another blog and just had to pop in and say 'Howdy'!!!

God bless you and give you the peace that passes all understandin'.

I wish I could Spackle that hole in your heart for ya. :o(

Karen/My Colonial Home said...

Hi Donna,
Goodness I wish things would not hurt so much at different times...I think a day like Valentine's day would hurt most of us...please be strong.
Blessings,
Karen

Jamie said...

thanks for stopping by and checking in on me,that is very sweet BUT right now as I type I wish that I was just a car ride away BC I would get into my van and knock on your door and give you the biggest hug and honestly I probably would be bawling my eyes out.

I enjoy reading bloggers who are TRUE with others and this is the best way for some of us to just let it out.
Remember you have someone looking over you and your girls so dont give up,its ok to feel down and to have crappy days,weeks or months.Your allowed to feel this way,try to reach out to your friends and family they might be feeling the same and just are afraid to talk about them.
It is easy for some and some not so easy,keep smiling and you are in my prayers.
Your daughters are blessed to have a loving mother that takes the time to make a personal touch on a special day.We here in the Tobin household make all homemade cards and I leave little love notes in his lunch.


About the comment you left for me,I would love to make a new home for some bears,just email me how much shipping is going to be so I can take care of it.
sjtobin 123 at aol dot.com

Patty Sumner said...

Donna, just found your blog while browsing through others. My heart aches for you and I worry for you too. You have had a very difficult time in life. You sound as if you are haviang a ver difficult time and are in a very dark place. I pray you will seek medical counsel and spiritual counsel. You need someone to talk to about all that is going on. I have expereinced depression and it is an ugly thing. Please talk with someone about how you are feeling.... I am following along with your blog. I hope to hear how you are doing in your posts. Blessings to you today and know that you are being prayed for....

Paula said...

Bless your heart, honey.. I can't even imagine.
I think writing your feelings down is wonderful, though~ when my mom passed away I kept a journal of my pain and when I go back and read it now, it all seems so fresh again but also reminds me of how God brought me through it when I didn't think I could go on.
Sounds like from the other comments that you have lots of blog friends who care for you!

Jamie said...

hey Donna~U havent been updating or commenting so I am here to check in on you.My blog is messed up so I cant post right now BUT I can read other blogs.
I hope you are doing ok and feeling great.You R in our prayers!

Cheryl said...

Donna, are you in a grief group? Two of my friends have leaned on this method of coping with their losses. I understand the first two years are the hardest and this is what I'm hearing in your posts. Your online friends are such an encouragement to you so I urge you to keep writing - one day at a time.

Jamie said...

Donna~ here is what you asked for
2326 west 1000 north
Fountaintown,IN 46130

I wish that the sunny days ahead help you throughout the tough times.