I find myself lost in time as I remember my life a year ago. I was on my third straight night at the hospital. I remember sitting and waiting for something good to happen only to be told you may not make it through the night. My heart fell to the bottom of my stomach as I heard the news. How was I going to tell the girls there dad may not make it? Eleni took the news very hard and Jessica turned and walked away. I had to break the news to Ray's family. Ray's brother took the girls home for me and the rest of us spent the night sleeping in chairs. I came back to see Ray as much as they would let me. I remember as the sun was coming out looking out the window and praying for a miracle. I was on my fourth day with very little sleep wondering how was I still standing. As the day went by I spent most of it sitting by Ray's side holding his hand and praying so hard. I could see it in his face he looked so tired like he was fighting with all he had. The day went on I watched as he became worse. Then the moment came they told me there was nothing more they could do. A part of me died when Ray did that night.
The last year has been a year of pure hell. I just kept reliving that night over and over for months. I didn't eat or sleep. I wanted to just die so I could be with Ray. The days turned into weeks and the weeks into months. I had all of my year of first without Ray. Now it's a year since he has been gone. Time doesn't heal it just helps you cope. I don't know that I will ever really heal from this. The pain I feel today is as strong as the pain that I felt a year ago. Ray was my life. I adored my husband and loved being married. I loved being a mom and wife. If you are reading this please take one word of advice from me PICTURES! As the mom I was always taking the pictures and have very few of us all together. I cherish everyone of those pictures and moments. You always think you have time but when the truth is told we really don't know how much time we have with the one's we love. Cherish every moment you have together with the one's you love.
I know this past year my blog has been sad. It has helped me learn to cope as I have poured my feelings out. Thank you to those who have stuck by me and left me such great comments. Thanks for being there when I needed it most.