Sunday, August 14, 2011

Lost in Time

I find myself lost in time as I remember my life a year ago. I was on my third straight night at the hospital. I remember sitting and waiting for something good to happen only to be told you may not make it through the night. My heart fell to the bottom of my stomach as I heard the news. How was I going to tell the girls there dad may not make it? Eleni took the news very hard and Jessica turned and walked away. I had to break the news to Ray's family. Ray's brother took the girls home for me and the rest of us spent the night sleeping in chairs. I came back to see Ray as much as they would let me. I remember as the sun was coming out looking out the window and praying for a miracle. I was on my fourth day with very little sleep wondering how was I still standing. As the day went by I spent most of it sitting by Ray's side holding his hand and praying so hard. I could see it in his face he looked so tired like he was fighting with all he had. The day went on I watched as he became worse. Then the moment came they told me there was nothing more they could do. A part of me died when Ray did that night.


The last year has been a year of pure hell. I just kept reliving that night over and over for months. I didn't eat or sleep. I wanted to just die so I could be with Ray. The days turned into weeks and the weeks into months. I had all of my year of first without Ray. Now it's a year since he has been gone. Time doesn't heal it just helps you cope. I don't know that I will ever really heal from this. The pain I feel today is as strong as the pain that I felt a year ago. Ray was my life. I adored my husband and loved being married. I loved being a mom and wife. If you are reading this please take one word of advice from me PICTURES! As the mom I was always taking the pictures and have very few of us all together. I cherish everyone of those pictures and moments. You always think you have time but when the truth is told we really don't know how much time we have with the one's we love. Cherish every moment you have together with the one's you love.


I know this past year my blog has been sad. It has helped me learn to cope as I have poured my feelings out. Thank you to those who have stuck by me and left me such great comments. Thanks for being there when I needed it most.


Donna

9 comments:

Carmen C. said...

((((((((((BIG HUG))))))))))

annie said...

Continuing to pray for you in my heart, no words could ever be enough.

bettyj said...

Hopefully you will start healing a bit. As for your "sad" blog, if it helps to blog it do it.We share your sadness and you can share your feelings anytime.

Tammy ~ Country Girl at Home ~ said...

Donna,

Talking and writing about it is a good thing. This is your blog and you don't worry about it being sad. Your words may help another person. I do hope and am praying that your hurt eases and heals, but you always have your memories to comfort you, instead of haunt you!

A big hug to you, Donna!!!!

Tammy

jaxonsgram said...

I think of you often. The first year is the hardest. I promised myself once I heard the second was harder, that I wouldn't let it be. It has been better and in dec. it will be 3 years, and still feels like yesterday. The key is staying busy once your body allows it. Hugs to you, Lorry

Tammy ~ Country Girl at Home ~ said...

Hey Donna,

Didn't know if you were in the area of the earthquake...I was just checking on you! Did you all feel an earthquake?

Tammy

DEBBIE said...

this is my first time in reading your blog., and my heart and prayers go out to you., im looking forward into reading your blog and getting acquainted with you., i cant say i know how you feel about losing your life mate., but i can only imagine how it would be for myself., after being togeTHER FOR 34 YRS,HE IS MY EVERYTHING.... I SO WISH I WAS CLOSER AND WE COULD DEVELOPE A FRIENDSHIP., BUT FOR NOW., WE WILL DEVELOPE ONE ON HERE., HAVE A VERY JESUS FILLED DAy

Karen said...

Hey, Donna...I was thinking about you. Hope you are doing o.k. Hugs! ~Karen

Sheila said...

You need to let yourself grieve. The average grief period is 3-5 years. Losing someone you love is one of the hardest roads to travel....I know. If it weren't for my faith and the promise of eternity, I don't know what I would do. Hang in there, Donna.