THE END

I keep trying to find my way but I keep getting lost. I am really having a difficult time with the loss of my husband Ray. I miss him so much some days it actually hurts to breathe. I even pray that God will just come get me so I can see him again. Things are so different and everyone says give it time. Time what does that mean time to get used to Ray being gone? Time to forget? My heart is broken into a million tiny pieces and I can't put it back together. I actually feel like I am dieing that my body is starting to shut down. Nothing will ever be the same.

We moved into our home six weeks before he got sick. We were so happy and this house was full of love, joy, and laughter. Now you can hear a pin drop. I try to be strong for my girls. I have learned to cry alone, in a pillow, and in the shower. I can't figure out what I am supposed to do next. My life has always been about Ray and the girls. My girls are getting older Ray and I were looking forward to being grandparents one day and maybe moving to South Carolina. We had dreams now my dreams and my best friend are gone. I just don't understand how and why this happened why now?

I tried to go back to work twice. It was hard riding by the hospital and working for the hospital. The first time they sent me home because I was an emotional wreck. I tried to go back again and cried for 2 days and now I am out under Dr's care and seeing a counselor. I have no clue what's next for me and my girls. I can only tell you I would not wish this pain on anyone.

This will probably be my last post on this blog. Thanks to all of you who have always been there and stuck by me. Please know I have loved getting to know each and everyone of you and thanks for inviting me into your home.

Donna

Never~So~Simple

I know it's been a really long time since I posted. We did finally move into our own home mid June. It started off great but then I started having headaches and losing sleep. I had to go to the Dr and get something for the migraines. Finally I started to feel better but something was just not right. The heat was bad this summer but hey it was better than snow in my opinion. We started to settle in our home and we were ALL very happy.

On August 2 we had to rush Ray to the hospital. We were there no time and we all ran to the Cardiac Cath Lab. He was having a massive heart attack. It was touch and go for almost 2 weeks. On August 12th Ray went for surgery to to have a heart pump put in. It was to assist him until he could recover enough to go on the Heart Transplant list. Ray did fine at first then he took a turn for the worse. August 14th at 10:23pm Ray passed away. It seems like a really bad dream. I was there by his side until the end. I told him over and over how proud I was of him for fighting as long as he could. I assured him the girls and I would be ok and thanked him for being a wonderful husband and father. My life will be forever changed.

I don't know what I want to do next. This house although we only had 6 weeks in it as a family is a reminder of Ray. We don't really like being here and we loved it at first. Eleni stays busy and Jessica stays to herself. I have not been able to return to work. I tried last week and my emotions got the best of me and they sent me home. It was obvious I needed more time. School starts here Tuesday and I am going to try to return to work. I hope we can get back into some kind of routine. I don't know how much I will be blogging but please know I do try to read when I can. I love getting lost in your stories and decorating it's therapy for my mind.

Donna

PROM

Last night was Eleni's big night her first prom. I had to get off early Friday to take her for her nail appointment. She had a manicure and pedicure. Then Saturday up early to the beauty shop. My niece Nikki is a beautician and she had the lovely honor of curling Eleni's hair which took and hour and a half and a can of hairspray. Not really but it seemed liked it. It turned out gorgeous!

Then it was time for make-up!

Eleni is such a ham!

No she's not mad she's just being Eleni!

Now off to get dressed and add the final touches.

I insisted we each take a picture with her but we must color coordinate. None of us owned anything in dress color which by the way is called Mermaid. So I made everyone wear light blue. Jessica was dressed and changed for the picture just to satisfy me.

My girls are all grown up. I am so proud of them!

Eleni insisted on a picture with her baby Abby.

Eleni and her best friend Lindsay.

Here they all are ready to go. I am happy to say they all made it home safe.

My next post will hopefully be about moving into our new home. The move in date is set for June 1st if the bathroom is completed. They landlords are having the bathroom redone. It's taking longer than they originally thought. I will keep you posted. Once again thanks for sticking with me!

Donna

It Won't Be Long Now...

I'm trying to keep everyone updated as the big day gets closer. We have a little over two weeks before we move and boy are we getting excited! Ray has been going over and painting the rooms a little each day. He can only do so much before he gets too tired. We have bought area rugs and the girls have bought new bedding and curtains for their rooms. We just need new bedding for our room but I am so picky!

This past weekend we went to my sister in-laws house for Mother's Day. She lives beside a cow pasture. Abby was so fascinated with the cows as well as they with her. If we got too close they would back off but they would walk right up to the fence to see Abby. You can see this on my new header picture. It was a beautiful day here in VA on Mother's Day.

Eleni was invited to the prom a school. She was invited by a Junior who is a good friend. She was so excited when he asked her how could I say no. Next Saturday is the big night. We have everything her dress has been altered. Friday I'm getting off early to get her nails and toes done and the Saturday morning she will get her hair done. I can't wait to show you all pictures!

This morning when I woke up my Mom informed me I had a package. I was so excited it was from Carmen of Waxed Out Creative Life. I won her give away and let me tell you the package smelled so good Abby and Lucy (my Mom's dog) were all over me as I opened it. I can't wait to set everything up in my new house! If you ever get a chance to purchase anything from Carmen her candles and soap smell so good pictures don't do justice for her work!

Seems like a lot of people are getting the blogging blahs. It makes me sad to see blogs end but I understand. One thing about my new house is it's smaller and a rancher. I will miss my pool but I am looking forward to a simpler life. Less cleaning and stressing and more time enjoying life. Which is he one thing I am really looking forward to come June! Until next time thanks for always dropping by and for sticking by me

Donna

1 YEAR

Thanks so much to all of you who have stood by me this past year. I have been blessed with so many great blog friends! As many of you know I was laid off in November of 08 from a job I loved. This was the beginning of many problems. When I lost my job I also lost my medical insurance which meant I had no idea how I was going to pay for all of Ray's rejection medicines. Then there was rent, utilities, truck payment and groceries. Unemployment only goes so far and Ray was just not able to keep a job one because of his health and two because of the economy. I just felt like my life was spinning out of control.

My life has really changed since that November. The first thing we did as a family is go to Church. Tammy from Country Girl at Home inspired me to make that decision. Thank you Tammy! It was the beginning of many blessing. We were able to get Ray's medicines through programs based on our income or lack of I should say! As the months went by and the lack of a steady income we decided not to renew our lease. It was very hard to leave a home we had lived in for 7 years. We had so many great neighbors and I still miss them! It was a hard decision but we knew it was the best one at the time. So one year ago we gave up our home put our things in storage and moved with my Mom. Another blessing a roof over our heads. Not long after we moved Ray started having issues with his legs hurting an ultra sound proved he has blockages in his legs. It was advised he get back on disability. I finally got a job last June as many of you remember I hated it! Things are much better still not the job of my dreams but it's a lot better. So within a few months we had insurance but getting Ray's Social Security didn't not come as easily. Seemed like once we got over one hurdle another was waiting.

I became so depressed and cried all the time. I just didn't think we would ever see the light at the end of the tunnel. I quit doing things with friends and just stuck to myself. As time went on things got better and easier. I could see a dim light trying to peek through.

In March we paid off our truck. Also in March Ray received his first disability check. They are reviewing his case to determine if he will be reinstated permanently. We will take what we can get and call it another blessing. We got back a decent tax refund this year which we put up to move. Yet another blessing. I am happy to report another HUGE BLESSING we will be moving JUNE 1! Yes, you read it right we are finally moving. We found a rancher like I wanted and Eleni will get to stay at the same High School.

I can not wait to post pictures and decorate. I am so exited and feeling very blessed. I am hoping this is many of new Happier post. Once again THANKS for sticking by me this past year!

Donna

Feeling Blessed

I know I haven't been very good about posting like I had intended. I don't have a lot to share so I try not to bore you all too much. We are still house hunting. I had no idea just how hard this was going to be. I know God will lead us to the right house at the right time. I just hope it's soon. I know my Mom will be glad to have her house back. I know it's not been easy for her. She is used to quiet nights and now there is an extra dog barking, Eleni's music and my girls constantly bickering from too much time together and not enough space of their own. On that note were are blessed to have a roof over our heads, food in our bellies and of course my job which gives us the insurance we need for Ray's medicines. It's not the best life but it's a blessed life.

I'm not sure if I have ever really said what I do at work. I work in a call center for a Medicaid HMO. We also provide services for a Coordinated Care program offered by one of the Hospitals. I hear so many sad stories everyday. I wonder if the economy is really getting better. I find it hard some days not to get emotionally attached to some of our members. I wish I could help all of those who really need it. When you have lived their lives it's hard not to put your heart into it. Some days you have members who hate the world then there are those who are so appreciative it makes your job worth all the bad calls. It has really made me think about how I speak to the person on the other end of the phone. Like me it's their job not their fault. As many of you know I absolutely hated my job in the beginning. I finally quit hating it and started appreciating the fact I had a job not to mention we have a new manager. I didn't dislike the other manager but I really like the new manager. It's nice to go to a job you don't hate. :)

I am trying to be more positive and happy with what I have not what I want. After all at the end of the day all I want is to enjoy being with my family and friends and making new memories. I have stated so many time how much I miss all of my stuff but the one thing I really miss the most is seeing my pictures everyday. I think it will be one of the first things I unpack.

I hope you all have a great and blessed weekend.

Donna

WINTER

I'm seating here eating my first home made pot pie while watching it snow. I don't think I have ever seen it snow this much in Virginia. It's pretty but I am so tired of winter. I think everyone in blog land is getting cabin fever.

They have taken the block off of the blogs at work. I try not to stay on there long just in case big brother is watching. Needless to say to my surprise I had won Leslie's give away over at Crafty Mom. I am so excited and thankful. Do you know how hard it is not to scream out with joy at work. :) When I do move I am going to have so many new things to display. Speaking of moving we are seriously house hunting. Our goal is to keep Eleni in the same school especially since we just ordered her school ring. I just hope we find something soon.

Thanks to all of you who have stuck with me through all of this. I haven't had a lot to post about but it's nice to see the same folks commenting and supporting me. You all are the best. Until next time.

Donna