Saturday, March 26, 2011

ALONE


I sit here alone and still wonder why. How did this happen and why now? I look around and all I see is us. I see our lives in pictures on the walls to things we have bought together. I was a couple now I'm alone. This week has been a rough one for me. I was sick most of the week with migraines. Two meds and a shot later the head aches are gone but my broken heart is not. This was the first time I have been sick since Ray died. Can I tell you there is nothing lonelier than being sick and being alone. I just don't think I'm ever going to understand or accept this new life. Nothing really matters anymore. I just do what I'm supposed to do there are no feelings or emotions involved. I'm just slowly dieing on the inside. Everyone says I have to keep living and get passed this it's what Ray would want. How do they know that did he tell them that because I know we sure as heck never discussed it. It's so easy to tell someone to be strong and move on until it's you. Then it's not s easy. I can remember being a young teen and I couldn't wait to fall in-love and get married. If you asked me I would say I love being married I wouldn't want it any other way. I'm told lean on God and trust him. I did that and I now I sit here alone. Everyone has advice but no one really listens. I want to say close your eyes and imagine never seeing that special someone again, never hearing them say I love you, could you really stand to be that alone?


Donna

11 comments:

taylors*farmhouse*attic said...

Hi Donna!...Hugs to you and my heart goes out to you!!! I can't relate to losing a spouse, but I know the heartache of losing a boyfriend years ago...Even though I've gone on and married, had children, etc. that part of my heart that he has had all these years later can never be replaced....I've just learned to live with it...It takes time for a heart to heal...I pray you have a great support system!!!You're in my prayers!! Just give yourself time and be kind to yourself...hugs!

Carmen C. said...

Donna, when folks tell you "it's what Ray would want" I think they are meaning that he loves you and would not want you to be so unhappy" not because he told them that, but because that is the general feelings you have for people you love. I've never lost a spouse so I can't say how I would deal with it but I have lost some other VERY special people and it is hard, you never forget, you will always long for them, but you go on regardless because its all you can do. Praying for you (((((BIG HUGS)))))

Cindy Lu said...

Dear Donna, After reading this my heart breaks in two. I cant imagine loosing my husband. Everyone goes through loss differently. I would imagine that you need to lean on everyone else around you. Pray alot and know that there are going to be really rough days but better days are ahead. Your heart will mend it just takes time. They say that its better to have loved then to never have never have loved at all. I know that doesnt help but, cherish the memories that you have. Hugs and prayers to you............

jeni said...

Donna, please drop me a note (scarter@kans.com) as I too lost my husband in 1996. While I won't be able to make you feel better, I can offer advice and be a shoulder to lean on. My heart breaks for you & the girls and what you are going through. I'll be praying for you. Hugs, Sher

Susannah said...

Oh Dear...I am so sorry. I wish we knew each other better...you could come over and we could cry all you want. I know it is so very sad.

Try to smile ...if you can. It always helps me.

Susannah

Green Creek Primitives said...

Hi Donna, I am so sorry to hear about your husband. I have never lost a mate, but my father died in 2006 and life has never been the same. I have gotten through it by staying busy, and when I needed to be close to him I haunted antique shops, we shared that interest, infact thats why I started my blog. I also started up an antique booth because of my father, it reminded me of his antique shop all those years I was growing up. The best advice I can give you is take care of you, find what makes you happy and in time things will get a little easier. I also have migraine headaches for the last 30 years, I feel for you. My memories of my father is what gets me through, I am always glad I had those special times with him. His birthday was this week, he would have been 80, so I did things that made me happy to get through it. I am here if you need to talk, Hugs Vicky

COUNTRY PICKINS said...

Hi Donna, I ran across your blog tonight, and I have read your post. Oh Hon, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart is breaking for you. There are no words that I can say that will help you, but know that I am here if you ever want to talk. I haven't lost my husband, but have lost many dear ones. I hope you will find some peace from above and know your darling Ray is watching over you. With lotsa love and hugs,
Linda

renee said...

Oh Donna,
I am SO very sorry for the loss of your husband. I have no words of great wisdom here. I haven't lost a spouse, I have lost a brother, and other family members that I have been close to.
All I can say is that God is with us always, even when things happen that we don't understand, maybe we never will, we just have to place our faith and love with him anyhow. I have a friend on another forum, I could see about having her contact you, she also has lost her spouse. I know I don't know you, you just became a follower on my blog, and I am thankful for the chance of getting to know you.
I will be praying for you, and I am just very sorry for you hon!
Sincerely,
Renee

Carmen at Primcats said...

Donna, I found you as a follower of my moms blog and I wanted to tell you that while I can't understand your pain... I am praying you can find peace and happiness.

Carmen and the Primcats

Dan said...

Donna~

You have every right to feel the way you do. I am sure there are many other people out there who can relate to your feelings. Everybody mourns differently and we all heal at different speeds.

I cannot offer any words of advice, because I have never been in your shoes. When I think about being in your shoes my heart really goes out to you. All I can really do is pray for you and hope that God will bring you peace in the very difficult and confusing time.

~Dan~

My Primitive Creations by Tonya said...

Hi Donna it's nice to meet you. Thank you for becoming a follower. I hope that when you stop by you can find a Smile and some peace in your visit with me.
No one can know how deeply your pain goes or even understand it because it is your pain and your grief. Each of us heal at our own pace, each of us find peace and understanding in our own way. And someday you will find peace and possibly even understanding.

I lost both my parents, Grand parents and many friends long before there time should have been up. So I do understand loss and grief.
I would like to share something with you that may or may not help.
But it may give you hope and a little peace.
At 26 I was very sick and wasn't expected to live, in fact I made my way to heavens door. While there I seen the light. I met the lord.
It wasn't my time..God had not called me home my illness had sent me there and there is a big difference. To explain it as best I can I was sent back but while I was there I seen all my family and friends I had lost. I felt the peace that will come when the lord does call me home. I knew and have known since then that they were all happy, filled with love, and most of all they were watching over me and were still as much a part of my life as they were when they were here with me. That experience changed my life profoundly.
Ray is still with you in all your memories, pictures and thoughts of him. As you said you knew it was time to let him go and I feel that we do know when it is time and when the lord is calling our loved ones home and we have to let them go. It is never easy and I don't think we ever stop asking ourselves why or if we did the right thing...and we sometimes allow guilt to consume us, or loneliness consume us.
But as you know and many have commented we must go on. Somehow we make it from one day to the next living in a bubble filled with grief, confusion, loneliness and above all emptiness that only we can change.
There will come a time when the pain is less and each day gets a little easier to get threw even tho it doesn't feel like it now. I think the key is to make an effort each day to discover a little bit of who Donna is as a person. When we are married we are one half of a whole and we don't just think of ourselves but we think of ourselves a half of a whole. Now is a time to discover who you are and find all the good in you and share that good with your daughters, your friends, family and above all yourself. Remembering that Ray is with you in spirit and he is watching over you wanting only happiness for you...He wanted happiness for you when he was here and he would want happiness for you now.

You have a great support system with friends on your blog, your daughters and hopefully family and friends. Trust in the lord and know he is with you. He promised he would never give us more then we could handle even tho it doesn't feel that way right now..

My prayers are with you . may God heal your wounds and give you peace in your heart.

Blessings
Tonya