Thursday, March 3, 2011

Living in a Fantasy

I have found myself living in a fantasy world. I just pray and pray some how some way God bring Ray back to me. Although I know this can't happen it's all I want. I used to dream about my future and decorating. It takes every ounce I have to get through the day. I can't handle more than one day at time. I am still working and trying very hard. The only difference in me now and the last time I tried is lack of meds. I have been weaning off some of the meds I was on. Which means I can control my tears. Everyday once I get home I go take my shower so I can cry. I cry into a wash cloth so the girls don't hear me. Then when I go to bed I cry myself to sleep and when I wake up the first thing I do is look for Ray. Only to start another day sad and disappointed. Everyone says you shouldn't ask why but I need to know why! Why now? I feel like I am being punished and I don't know why. I have been told it gets easier well it hasn't it hurts today as much as it did 6 1/2 months ago. I just don't know if I will ever get used to this emptiness, loneliness and pain. I miss him so much!


Carmen C. said...

I'm sorry Donna, I wish I could make it all better for you but I can't. We don't always understand the "why" of it, but I am SURE you are not being punished sweet one. My personal beliefs (and I don't force them on anyone else) are that we are here on Earth to learn important lessons for our soul's progress, and it is NOT always easy, if it were what would be the point in our being here, once we learn lessons throughout our lifetimes (yes, I believe in reincarnation)our souls go back to God. I think we all have our trials and heartaches in each life, mine in this one was childhood abuse, I would cry to God to make it stop every day to no avail, again, lessons for me, not punishment and it made me into who I am today. Stay strong I know it is hard but you and Ray will be reunited one day in a realm that this crappy earth will never compare to and in the meantime just know alot of folks truly do "care".

Anonymous said...

Donna, As I have said before, honestly, if God were to come down and tell you why, would it be a good enough reason for you? I know there is NO good reason that would make me feel better as to why I lost John. NONE. SO, we have to take one second, minute, day, at a time, and breath, and most days that is a chore. Eventually, the breathing does get easier. We just learn how to breath differently. I remember crying in the shower many times myself. As angry as I was, (and at times, I still am) at GOD, I do know that I am not being punished, and neither are you. That isn't how GOD works. I am here for you, although I also know that that doesn't make it any better for you either. Email me, call me, whatever it takes. I am here. Hugs to you, Lorry

Karen/My Colonial Home said...

Donna, I'm just so sorry for you and what you have to endure.

I can't say I know what you are going through because only you KNOW the hurt and the feelings, but I can say my heart crys for all you are going though and wish there was something I could say that would help...except just know that there are MANY, MANY people out here praying for you.

Big hugs, Karen

Primitive Echoes said...

I have to say I have never suffered this kind of loss. I wish there was a magic potion that could make you feel better, less pain.
Maybe you are taking to big a step. Maybe you should just get though one minute at a time instead of one day at a time.
You need to find something that makes you smile again. I honestly believe your husband is watching out for you from Heaven. You can still talk to him, just like we all talk to God.
Have you tried joining a support group, take a class, join a group of some sort. Tell yourself every morning you are going to smile about something today. Truly smile, even on the inside.
Look at your beautiful daughters and smile, anything, something. You have so much left to do in your future and Ray wouldn't want you wasting that and all that you have built together. You have graduations, grand babies some day, lots of things, and try to remember he is not sick anymore he is Home.
There is no time limit for grief. There is no answer to the Whys. It sounds like you had a really great life with Ray, so get up, get going, and live the life you have made. Make him proud. Join a support group, cry it all out with a friend, and find something to smile about. Find someone to dish out a little tough love, for your sake and for your girls.
Do it for yourself, and do it for those beautiful girls of yours, they still need you, as much as they did the first time you held their little heads in your hand.
I truly hope you have a miracle in your life that will make you smile.

Lisa said...

I cannot imagine your pain but just wanted you to know that I hear you and I'm thinking of you and your family.

•♦•The Olde Weeping Cedar •♦• said...

Lorry said it perfectly, Donna...
I am so happy you and Lorry have each other.
I truly know that your heart is broken-your sadness runs deep... and I know there is not one word I can say that will help you through this or help you to mend some of that hurt♥♥♥....((Hugs))...♥♥♥
So I'll just send a Hug and some love.
Hang in there, friend!

Karen said...

I am so sorry Donna. I wish there was something I could say that would comfort you. Please don't think that you are being punished for anything...that is not true. I want you to know that I am praying for you. ~Karen

Kindra-At Home With K said...

My heart is so heavy for you Donna. I pray that it will get easier for you as time goes on. My FIL passed away from cancer at a young age and I know it helped my MIL to surround herself with friends and family as much as she could...probably even when she wanted to roll up in a ball instead. It has been 7 years since he passed away and now she is happily married to a guy who's wife also died of cancer. It's funny where our lives takes us...maybe not the plan that we had planned but everything will work out in the end. Hang in there sweet friend.