I have found myself living in a fantasy world. I just pray and pray some how some way God bring Ray back to me. Although I know this can't happen it's all I want. I used to dream about my future and decorating. It takes every ounce I have to get through the day. I can't handle more than one day at time. I am still working and trying very hard. The only difference in me now and the last time I tried is lack of meds. I have been weaning off some of the meds I was on. Which means I can control my tears. Everyday once I get home I go take my shower so I can cry. I cry into a wash cloth so the girls don't hear me. Then when I go to bed I cry myself to sleep and when I wake up the first thing I do is look for Ray. Only to start another day sad and disappointed. Everyone says you shouldn't ask why but I need to know why! Why now? I feel like I am being punished and I don't know why. I have been told it gets easier well it hasn't it hurts today as much as it did 6 1/2 months ago. I just don't know if I will ever get used to this emptiness, loneliness and pain. I miss him so much!