Saturday, January 28, 2012

Lazy Day and Faith

Before you star reading this I wanted to warn you it's a little long. If you make it to the end I am thankful to have met you even if it wasn't in person. I have said it over and over blog friends are the BEST!

Today is what I would call my lazy day. Abby our sweet little dog woke me up earlier than I had planned. Usually she will go out and will come straight back in and go back to bed. Today she went out and took her sweet little old time. By the time Abby decided to come back in I was wide awake. As always she came in and went straight to Eleni's room. She went back to bed for a couple more hours. I cut the computer on and started reading blogs and looking at pintrest. Can I just say that is one addicting web site. After a long while Eleni and Abby got up. Then shortly after Jessica and Pepper one of our cats got up. I still continued to read as I ate a bowl of cereal.  Not too long after Eleni left with her boyfriend Jessica put in a movie and I hit the couch. I took me a good ol nap. Abby at my feet and Ms Pretty our other cat behind me. I just love naps. Why is it you can fall asleep in a minute on the couch but when you go to bed you lay there wide awake? Can I just say I am still in my pajamas. I had no where to go and plenty to do but I felt the need to be lazy today. I did manage to cook dinner and clean up the kitchen. I am hoping tomorrow will be a more productive day. As I stated I have plenty to do. I need to put out my few Valentine decorations and mop some floors and maybe a little tweaking. :)

When  opened blogger up a bit ago I squealed with excitement. I never ever thought it would happen but I hit 100 followers. I'm thinking in a couple of weeks I want to do a give away. I love to read every ones blogs and often find new one's from your favorites. I have met a few ladies who have loved and lost like me. Then there are the other new followers who leave the sweetest messages. I have many long time blogging friends but I always welcome new one's. Blogging has helped me through some rough times. I don't usually post too many pictures but I hope to get better. I know seeing every ones houses is my favorite past time. I look and dream. You all always inspire me with your pictures and family posts. I am not a jealous person well maybe sometimes but I find myself wishing I were some of you. I read about family gatherings and date nights. I just miss that part of my life. When you have been with someone so long it's hard to accept it's final they are not coming back. Which to this day I have trouble accepting this is my life.

Before Ray died we had started going to Church. Tammy over at http://countrygirlathome.blogspot.com/ inspired me to make some changes in our lives. I tried to stress less and lean on God more. I loved the change that came over my family. Sundays we went to Church and then I would cook Sunday dinner as Ray channel surfed. My life felt so perfect in spite of the fact I lost my job and we lost our home. We lived with my Mom a year and it was not easy. Two families just aren't meant to live together long term. Please don't get me wrong I am thankful we were blessed with somewhere to live. Then finally we moved here. We felt so blessed and so happy.

We continued to go to Church and always thanked God for watching over us. I still remember  the last night Ray was here. Ray came into our room and he held me just as tight as he could. I said Ray why are you breathing so hard he said I don't know. I said something isn't right he told me his back was killing him. I gave him pain pills the Dr prescribed. Ray took them then he threw them up. He sat beside me and said call 911. Jessica and I followed behind the ambulance. I could see Ray through the back window. He was sitting upward I said to myself he's fine. I knew God was watching over him. I had no fears. When they came and got me they were running up the hall with him. That's when they said he's having a massive heart attack. I looked at Ray and he was as white as a ghost and gasping to take every breath he could. I became scared but I never worried. Then they came out and told me Ray was in serious condition and may not make it. Never once did it enter my head this could be it. Just let me say I gave all of my worries to God I knew Ray was going to be alright. As time went on Ray became a little better. They took him off the ventilator. He was happy and funny I'm sure the meds had a lot to do with that. :) When I left him that night he insisted on a kiss goodbye and we both said I love you. The next day Ray had another heart attack they had to put him back on the ventilator. I remember the Dr taking me into this room to tell me Ray was in very serious condition and once again may not make it. I looked at him and said what am I supposed to do sit here and watch him die because I will not! I knew God was watching over us. Ray was going to be just fine wait and see. Ray did get a little better. I gave all my glory to God. Ray had surgery 6 days later. He went into cardiac arrest as soon as they put him under. They brought him back and  he made it through a very long hard surgery. The next day they woke Ray for just a second to see if he would respond. He tried to squeeze my hand and wiggled his toes. Then they put him back under. I was the happiest person in the world. Phillip our priest came daily and he knew how comforting his prayers were for the girls and I. Why shouldn't they be God had gave me Ray back. I prayed prayers of thanks over and over. I knew it was God who kept Ray alive. The next 24 hrs became the worst. Ray's organs began to shut down and we were losing him. I prayed and prayed as hard as I could. I knew once again he was going to turn around but he didn't. It's the hardest thing in the world to hear there is nothing else we can do for him. Cutting that machine off was the hardest decision I have ever made. I was in shock for about two weeks. Then it all hit me. I could not understand why the God I loved would put us through such a thing. He could have taken Ray so many times and spared me from having to make that decision. I still feel a lot of guilt even now and wonder what if I had waited. Who was I to do God's work. I have been back in forth with my faith. I have only been back to Church twice in the past year and a half. I'm so confused on what I think is real. The day before Ray's surgery he would not sleep. I could see the fear in his eyes. That night before surgery they called me to come back to the hospital. Ray was pulling tubes out trying to go home. When I got there he had calmed down. Shortly after I got there Ray started pointing to the corner up by the ceiling. He kept trying to tell me someone was over there. I told him I didn't see anything and went to the corner to show him but he still insisted someone was there. I wonder was it an angel preparing him was it just the drugs. I just don't know what is real. I believe there is a God but I'm just not so sure about the rest. I read the book Heaven is Real. I want to believe it so badly. I want to know Ray is ok and healthy again. I want to know he is with God. I just want some kind of sign. Have you seen the video of the young man who died at Christmas. He talks about how sick he has been all his life and how he went into cardiac arrest. He made this video just days before he died. He talks about the bright light and how peaceful everything was he said he smiled a lot. He died shortly after making this video. His parents said it gave them a piece of comfort. If you haven't seen this it's on You Tube. I just put in the subject box boy dies Christmas. I just want to feel some comfort in knowing Ray is ok.

Sorry this is so long. I didn't intend for it to go on and on. I will say it feels good to open up and share that with someone. If you have read this beginning to end thank you for being my friend and listening to me. I have tried to talk to our preacher and he was a great comfort but it just didn't feel like enough. I have turned to friends but they just don't get it. I guess I just need some type of closure.

Donna

14 comments:

bettyj said...

Donna I pray you find the peace you are searching for. I assure you, true peace only comes through God. It is normal to be angry when we lose our soul mate,but not to sound trite, life goes on. Life is for the living and from what I have read on your blog over the past months,tells me your Ray would want you to move forward and enjoy life, with your girls. Prayers, and I have been praying for you, betty.

PrimHearted said...

Sometimes we all need a lazy day. It does us good. May God be with you and grant you strength, peace and comfort.
hugs,
Nadine

Carmen C. said...

I've had alot of those lazy days lately!I did read every word of your post Donna, and it is so hard to understand why bad things happen to very good people, I know the bible says "ask and it shall be given" but that just is not always the case, I know it firsthand, sometimes things happen regardless. You've come a really long way since losing Ray, I am so proud of you!

Tiff said...

Donna, I read every word of your post and by the end I was crying, crying for you. I don't know the pain of losing a spouse, but I have lost baby, a baby that I carried and loved for 4 months. I prayed so hard during that time and just couldn't understand why it happened. My faith grew from it as I prayed for strength and healing. I truly thought I would be angry with God and expected it daily, but I never was. I know there is a Heaven and I know my baby is there waiting for me one day, his(he was a boy, Nathan)soul was just too perfect for this world and was able to go to Heaven early. Donna, I'm sure your Ray was a lovely man and Heaven just called him home a little early, not to cause you pain, but to reward his beautiful for soul.
As Betty said, life does go on, and we shouldn't forget, but we must live here on Earth as our loved ones would want us to, with joy and happiness, until the time we are called Home. It will take time for you to heal, and you will always bear that scar of sorrow, but I know and faith that you will be OK and start to look remember Ray without all the tears and sorrow but with smiles and happiness.
It's been almost 4 years since we lost Nathan, and I would be lying if I said I didn't shed a tear every once in awhile, but I have peace now and I know he is happy. I will tell you that I am much more empathetic now and cry more easily when I read of others in grief and pain and want to reach out to them. So maybe that is the gift that my baby left for me, to be more connected to my fellow man and more caring.
Donna, I wish you the best I will pray for strength and healing for your. ((((hugs)))
Love,
Tiff
ps, the tears were flowing as I wrote to you

A Primitive Homestead said...

Read from start to end. I find it helps to get things out. I tend to bottle up things then it explodes. There are unanswered prayers in my life & I have questions of why. I guess this is how us humans are. All things are for a reason it is said. When reading your posts I wonder why those who love each other like you two are separated. My spouse has no love for me or my children. It makes no sence. But I know we are to keep believing & keep our faith. Blessings!
Lara

Connie said...

Donna,
I feel so sorry for you. I have many friends that have lost their husbands and I cannot imagine how lonely you must feel. What I have learned from my widowed friends is that you must get back into the game of life. Life is too precious to waste a minute of it. If your Ray would have had a complete recovery we both know that he would be treasuring each and every minute of life and of time with you and your children. Therefore; as hard as it may be, each day tell yourself that this is a day the Lord has made and as long as there is life in your body, you will enjoy each day. I lost my dad when I was fifteen years old and my mom just closed herself off. Don’t let that happen. You are going though some very hard times and I’m not trying to be mean, but make a choice to be happy and do your very best (even if you have to remind yourself over and over each day “I am a happy woman, I am a happy mother”) each day.
Maybe surprise your kids, bake a cake, have a party and celebrate your family. Ray will be looking down with a smile on his face. He doesn’t want you to be sad, he loves you. Remember him and hold him in your heart, he wants you to live and enjoy each moment of your life, you know he does.
Your new friend, Connie

Cabin Fever Primitives said...

Thank you Donna for following my blog and congratulations on 100 followers.

Life is fragile. Life can change in a split second, just a blink of an eye, that fast. It only takes a second to say "I love you", life goes by in a split second, seconds count.

You were blessed with a friend that comforted you for many years, hold onto those memories as they will help ease your pain. Know that you are not alone, we are here, our "Father" is here, He will never leave your side, take His hand and feel His love.
Hugs and Prayers are sent your way.
Connie

Karen/My Colonial Home said...

Donna we will not leave you...we are there and will read every word of your heart.
I knew about you living with parents...I have been following you from way back...but I didn't know the details of Ray's last days...thank you for sharing them...it has to be so helpful to you to be able to share them.
I saw the video you speak of - it was wonderful...I pray that I can feel as comfortable when it's my time.
Glad you had your lazy day - you needed it or it wouldn't have happened.
Blessings and prayers Donna.

Hugs,
Karen

Connie said...

Hi Donna, I just dropped by to say Hi, and thank you for following by blog. My prayers are with you, Connie

Farm Field Primitives said...

I pray that you find peace. You made the right decision and you shouldn't question it. We will never understand why things are like we are. That's where the faith comes in....we just have to believe. Ray is watching over you all keeping you safe.
Melissa

My Primitive Creations by Tonya said...

Hi Donna..Gotta love those lazy Days..then again sometimes those lazy days take us to places that we are sometime empty and lonesome.
Its good to vent and sahre our feelings its a part of healing. Your struggle has been long and my heart goes out to you. I wish you could find peace in your heart. I don't know if it will help you to feel better but in 1976 I had encephlitis, fever of 107, went into a coma & visited the gates of heaven where there was such peace & joy. I ask God to let me go back because I wasn't done with my young life and he sent me back much to the surprise of my Doctors & family. Yes I seen the light.There has never been any doubt in my mind that I visited the gates of heaven & ask to return,
I beleive that Ray too seen the light of his Angel calling him home when he pointed in the corner. I also beleive it was his time to go home to the lord. Sadly it those of us left behind who greive in the loss of those called home. But my dear friend as you know life goes on for those of us left behind. We struggle with the what ifs and what am I to do's daily. You have to let it go, God called Ray home. He knew it the moment he seen his angel and he was trying to tell you when he told you he loved you and showed you his angel. God doesn't always answer our prayers the way we wish them to be answered..Please know that Ray is with God and he is watching over you and your girls. he would want you to celebrate life for yourself and for your girls. Being the man you have shared with us he was he would want you to find peace and be happy inside and out..Remember the all the love you shared and all the wonderful memories you made together and let those memories fill your heart with peace. Let those memories replace all the what ifs..and you will find peace and above all clousure.

Hugs
Tonya

Walking on Sunshine... said...

Donna, your post is beautiful. Yes, beautiful. We all go through this when we lose a loved one. We all begin to question God and where our loved one is. But this is where FAITH steps in and takes over. And when God feels the furthest away from you, that's when He is the closest to you. He's carrying you and wants you to give everything to Him and just lean on Him. It's not going to be easy, but you will make it through. You're doing so much better, really. Come read my blog today.

Cindy said...

Thank you for this post. My husband has had health issues also. This post encouraged me to make the most of every moment we are together <3

A Primitive Homestead said...

Tonight I looked your blog up. I have thought of you. I am so much looking for a sign. I pray each day for it. I want my precious son back. Like you I just can't believe it. The night he was killed plays over & over in my mind. I ask why God would take him. He is so young & full of life. He loved me & sister & brother. It was always the four of us. He is are glue. I can't move on. Really I don't want to. I won't leave him behind. I have so much more love to give him. I trusted God to never lose or bury any of my children grandchildren in my lifetime & to save all our souls. Blessings!
Lara