Lazy Day and Faith

Before you star reading this I wanted to warn you it's a little long. If you make it to the end I am thankful to have met you even if it wasn't in person. I have said it over and over blog friends are the BEST!

Today is what I would call my lazy day. Abby our sweet little dog woke me up earlier than I had planned. Usually she will go out and will come straight back in and go back to bed. Today she went out and took her sweet little old time. By the time Abby decided to come back in I was wide awake. As always she came in and went straight to Eleni's room. She went back to bed for a couple more hours. I cut the computer on and started reading blogs and looking at pintrest. Can I just say that is one addicting web site. After a long while Eleni and Abby got up. Then shortly after Jessica and Pepper one of our cats got up. I still continued to read as I ate a bowl of cereal.  Not too long after Eleni left with her boyfriend Jessica put in a movie and I hit the couch. I took me a good ol nap. Abby at my feet and Ms Pretty our other cat behind me. I just love naps. Why is it you can fall asleep in a minute on the couch but when you go to bed you lay there wide awake? Can I just say I am still in my pajamas. I had no where to go and plenty to do but I felt the need to be lazy today. I did manage to cook dinner and clean up the kitchen. I am hoping tomorrow will be a more productive day. As I stated I have plenty to do. I need to put out my few Valentine decorations and mop some floors and maybe a little tweaking. :)

When  opened blogger up a bit ago I squealed with excitement. I never ever thought it would happen but I hit 100 followers. I'm thinking in a couple of weeks I want to do a give away. I love to read every ones blogs and often find new one's from your favorites. I have met a few ladies who have loved and lost like me. Then there are the other new followers who leave the sweetest messages. I have many long time blogging friends but I always welcome new one's. Blogging has helped me through some rough times. I don't usually post too many pictures but I hope to get better. I know seeing every ones houses is my favorite past time. I look and dream. You all always inspire me with your pictures and family posts. I am not a jealous person well maybe sometimes but I find myself wishing I were some of you. I read about family gatherings and date nights. I just miss that part of my life. When you have been with someone so long it's hard to accept it's final they are not coming back. Which to this day I have trouble accepting this is my life.

Before Ray died we had started going to Church. Tammy over at http://countrygirlathome.blogspot.com/ inspired me to make some changes in our lives. I tried to stress less and lean on God more. I loved the change that came over my family. Sundays we went to Church and then I would cook Sunday dinner as Ray channel surfed. My life felt so perfect in spite of the fact I lost my job and we lost our home. We lived with my Mom a year and it was not easy. Two families just aren't meant to live together long term. Please don't get me wrong I am thankful we were blessed with somewhere to live. Then finally we moved here. We felt so blessed and so happy.

We continued to go to Church and always thanked God for watching over us. I still remember  the last night Ray was here. Ray came into our room and he held me just as tight as he could. I said Ray why are you breathing so hard he said I don't know. I said something isn't right he told me his back was killing him. I gave him pain pills the Dr prescribed. Ray took them then he threw them up. He sat beside me and said call 911. Jessica and I followed behind the ambulance. I could see Ray through the back window. He was sitting upward I said to myself he's fine. I knew God was watching over him. I had no fears. When they came and got me they were running up the hall with him. That's when they said he's having a massive heart attack. I looked at Ray and he was as white as a ghost and gasping to take every breath he could. I became scared but I never worried. Then they came out and told me Ray was in serious condition and may not make it. Never once did it enter my head this could be it. Just let me say I gave all of my worries to God I knew Ray was going to be alright. As time went on Ray became a little better. They took him off the ventilator. He was happy and funny I'm sure the meds had a lot to do with that. :) When I left him that night he insisted on a kiss goodbye and we both said I love you. The next day Ray had another heart attack they had to put him back on the ventilator. I remember the Dr taking me into this room to tell me Ray was in very serious condition and once again may not make it. I looked at him and said what am I supposed to do sit here and watch him die because I will not! I knew God was watching over us. Ray was going to be just fine wait and see. Ray did get a little better. I gave all my glory to God. Ray had surgery 6 days later. He went into cardiac arrest as soon as they put him under. They brought him back and  he made it through a very long hard surgery. The next day they woke Ray for just a second to see if he would respond. He tried to squeeze my hand and wiggled his toes. Then they put him back under. I was the happiest person in the world. Phillip our priest came daily and he knew how comforting his prayers were for the girls and I. Why shouldn't they be God had gave me Ray back. I prayed prayers of thanks over and over. I knew it was God who kept Ray alive. The next 24 hrs became the worst. Ray's organs began to shut down and we were losing him. I prayed and prayed as hard as I could. I knew once again he was going to turn around but he didn't. It's the hardest thing in the world to hear there is nothing else we can do for him. Cutting that machine off was the hardest decision I have ever made. I was in shock for about two weeks. Then it all hit me. I could not understand why the God I loved would put us through such a thing. He could have taken Ray so many times and spared me from having to make that decision. I still feel a lot of guilt even now and wonder what if I had waited. Who was I to do God's work. I have been back in forth with my faith. I have only been back to Church twice in the past year and a half. I'm so confused on what I think is real. The day before Ray's surgery he would not sleep. I could see the fear in his eyes. That night before surgery they called me to come back to the hospital. Ray was pulling tubes out trying to go home. When I got there he had calmed down. Shortly after I got there Ray started pointing to the corner up by the ceiling. He kept trying to tell me someone was over there. I told him I didn't see anything and went to the corner to show him but he still insisted someone was there. I wonder was it an angel preparing him was it just the drugs. I just don't know what is real. I believe there is a God but I'm just not so sure about the rest. I read the book Heaven is Real. I want to believe it so badly. I want to know Ray is ok and healthy again. I want to know he is with God. I just want some kind of sign. Have you seen the video of the young man who died at Christmas. He talks about how sick he has been all his life and how he went into cardiac arrest. He made this video just days before he died. He talks about the bright light and how peaceful everything was he said he smiled a lot. He died shortly after making this video. His parents said it gave them a piece of comfort. If you haven't seen this it's on You Tube. I just put in the subject box boy dies Christmas. I just want to feel some comfort in knowing Ray is ok.

Sorry this is so long. I didn't intend for it to go on and on. I will say it feels good to open up and share that with someone. If you have read this beginning to end thank you for being my friend and listening to me. I have tried to talk to our preacher and he was a great comfort but it just didn't feel like enough. I have turned to friends but they just don't get it. I guess I just need some type of closure.

Donna