Changes

A sudden sadness came over me today as I took down the Christmas decorations. I had a very hard time with Christmas this year. I bet our tree wasn't cut on 10 times. This past week I have cut it on every night. Something about the tree brought me peace. Like sitting by my pool did in the summer months. Why must the things that bring us the most comfort and peace have to go away?

Everyone has plans for New Year's even if it's to sit home and watch the ball drop. Staying at home doesn't bother me at all it's the loneliness that comes with it. I have struggled time and time again with losing Ray. I didn't just lose my husband and friend I lost my title as a wife. I can always remember wanting to get married and have children. I loved being a wife. It's hard because when someone dies every thing changes. You are now not a couple but single no longer a wife but a widow things will no longer be what they were. Once again my comfort and peace were gone.

I hope everyone this year will treasure every single day you have with loved one's. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. Takes a lot of pictures and make a lot of memories. My memories are now all I have for peace and comfort. If you have gotten anything out of my blog this past year remember to say I love you when you can and I'm sorry when you need to! I never imagined my life like this and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Happy New Year everyone and thanks for stopping by!

Donna

Anniversaries

As many of you know from my previous post that November 2nd would have been 25 years since Ray and I started dating. This past Friday the 2nd would have been our 23rd wedding anniversary. This was always my favorite time of year. Ray and I always spent time alone and did a little Christmas shopping for the girls. In the earlier years we would get a over night sitter but later in years we would go to Williamsburg for the weekend. I have so many wonderful memories of anniversaries past. I can't but help to feel really alone this time of year now.

I put our tree and decorations up a couple of weekends ago. It's just not the same for me. I loved to have my tree on and I could sit by it for hours just looking at it. This year I don't even cut it on. Jessica and Eleni turn it on by it's almost invisible to me this year. My heart is just not the same. I am trying to get past this but this year seems a little harder. I used to love Thanksgiving and Black Friday. I did do both this year for my girls. If it weren't for them I could probably sleep through all of this.

On a good note I have so enjoyed all of the pictures of every ones house decorated. I love all the prim ornaments and decor. My poor tree doesn't have a topper. I just can not find one I really like. They are too gaudy and just not prim enough. I still have time maybe I will run across something I like. At work we are having a contest for best decorated cubical. I decided to participate just for the heck of it. I'm doing a winter wonderland. We can not use lights because of fire issues. So I bought a lot of blue and silver garland and tons of snow flakes. You can get so much for so little at the dollar tree. I'll let you know how it turns out. I even bought a couple of blue frames. I'm going to put up a few older Christmas pictures of my girls and Ray and I.

I guess i better close for now. Thanks again for stopping by and always a big THANKS for your wonderful comments!

Donna

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Ray. Today he would have been 43. I was looking forward to many more birthdays and holidays with him and my girls. Sometimes I just want to pick up the phone and tell him about my day or the latest gossip I heard. I have to remind myself sometimes he's really gone. Seems so unfair he was so young. I know I seem to be dwelling on Ray a lot. This time of year was so special to us and I miss him being excited with me and shopping with me. Ray was great at surprising me with gifts. Every year he tried to give me a nice piece of jewelry or some little trinket with our names on it. I loved the jewelry don't get me wrong but those little gifts mean just as much to me. it's funny what we find special. I have a basket with littlet hings in it I saved over the years. Old movie stubs little notes saying Ray loves Donna. These little things mean more to me now than they ever did. I am thankful for all those little pieces of memories I kept. Just wondering have you kept little things like this? I guess I am very sentimental because I did the same thing with my girls. I made Jessica a scrapbook with things from her school days. I had kept little things from every year. Now I have to finish Eleni's book. I hope one day they will be like me and  keep those little things since they both swear they will not follow in my country decor foot steps.

I have been reading a few new blogs lately since some of the blogs I loved to follow quit blogging. I have even added a few new followers. I just hope I don't bore you too much. It's kind of funny I met a lot of the bloggers from the Country Sampler forum, then I followed their blogs, and now I follow many of them on Face Book. Time just keeps moving even when you wish it would slow down some.

Just curious has anyone started decorating for Christmas?

Donna

25 YEARS

I woke up with a stomach bug this morning so I called out. I was catching up on the blogs and realized I hadn't posted in almost a month. So today I thought I would write about something very special to me. Today Ray and I started dating 25 years ago. We were so young and carefree seems like ages ago. If I had known then what I know now I wouldn't have done anything differently except maybe take more pictures of us together. I work with a group of young women most single mom's. I admire them for making it but I also feel bad for them. They were saying yesterday how hard dating is now. They asked how did Ray and I made it all those years. I said it's like a job you have to work at it. You have to be willing to listen and forgive. They don't think they will ever have that. I said when the right one comes along you just know. I have faith that one day they will also find the love of their lives.

Today I find myself really missing Ray. What an amazing thing these days to be with someone all those years. It's funny the things I can remember now that I had forgot about over the years. Once Ray and I went and sat on a park bench that over looked the city. I rode by there thousands of times before and forgot all about it. Seems like my memories are so much more detailed. I do sleep a lot these days. Everyone says I am sleeping too much and I need to get out and do something. The best thing about sleeping is dreaming about Ray. I just close my eyes and it's like living my life all over again. That is until I have to wake up and realize that he's gone all over again. I can only say in all honestly I would do anything and give up everything for one more day.

I will say one thing all my blog friends have stuck by me. You all always leave me a positive and kind comment. I don't hear from anyone anymore. Our phone never rings and no one ever comes by. This didn't used to bother me because I had Ray and the girls. They are my whole life. I just feel bad for the girls seems like everyone has moved on and forgot about them. It's hard being both mom and dad. I miss my old life.

Donna

Just Wondering

As I sit here thinking I can't help but wonder what my life would be like if Ray had lived. After Ray died things went so fast things to do and plan. It all didn't really hit me until two weeks later when I went back to work. We have to go by the hospital where he died. It all hit me at that moment. The realization of what had really happened. Small story short this lead to a major break down. I was seeing a counselor and my family Dr one to two times a week. I can honestly say I was at the lowest place I had ever been in my life. Suicide seemed like an easy out. I wouldn't have to hurt anymore and I would be with Ray again. He was the love of my life and it all fell apart so fast. After months of counseling this finally turned into seeing a psychiatrist. Yesterday I had my two month visit. I have learned to hide my feelings. He seen right through me. He said I need to stop pretending and start trying to move on. One thing that I struggle with is the decision to take Ray off life support. Even though they said there was nothing more they could do I still help wondering what if. What if a miracle happened and he got better. What if I decided to quickly and didn't give him a chance to fight back. Just sitting here wondering today.

This time of year is really hard for me. Ray loved football and racing. It seems funny to see Fall coming and no football or racing on my TV all weekend. Ray and I met on Halloween 25 years ago and started dating 2 days later and had been together every since then. Veteran's day would be Ray's 43'rd birthday. December 2 our 23'rd wedding anniversary. Once again it just makes me sit here and wonder what if?

I know I am blessed to have had that kind of love but I tell you it hurts like Hell when it's gone. My love for Ray will never be gone but I really miss my husband and best friend. I miss my morning kiss good bye and hearing I Love You. I miss being a couple. I have had a really hard time going back to Church. I just can't understand why? Why my husband the father of my children why so young? I know you are not supposed to ask why and knowing may not be any better but once again just wondering.

Sorry my post is sad today. I just needed to vent out loud. If you read this thanks for being there for me especially these past 14 months.

Donna

Fall Decor and Random Pictures

I had a really nice three day weekend. I was off Friday for a Dr's appointment then Jessica and I went to a few of my favorite little shops. I didn't really buy anything. I bought some tarts and I bought this cute little mason jar candle holder. I love my little lamps. It's like a black hook that hangs over the side of the jar and inside I added a battery candle. Then I added some potpourri and a piece of homespun at the top. Then we hit all the local stores. We mostly did a lot of window shopping. Then Saturday I made a pot of chili and took a nap. I love naps. Then today I just laid around and did much of nothing. Back to work tomorrow. I must be honest I miss being a stay at home mom. I miss the freedom I had through the day when everyone was at school and work. I miss my old life. I like working but now it's different. I don't feel like I am work towards anything. I am still trying to deal with this new life I was given without a choice.


I don't have a lot of Fall decorations. Most have been things I have gathered over the years and a lot came from friends. I have been very blessed to meet the best people in the world through blogging. My only wish is that we all lived closer to one another. You have been there for me on some of my worst days with a thoughtful word. I hope to continue to blog more as my life changes and who knows what the future holds? Now for some random pictures.

 My Boyd's wagon full of pumkins.

 Little Halloween Tree I bought from Target for $2.50!

 This bowl is from Rachel and the pillow was made by Linda. Two very special ladies!

 Another pillow made by Linda!

 Rachel also gace me this bowl and made the dough flowers.

 This is an old windoe frame Ray found for me.

 This is the living room and on the other side is my office aka my sitting room.

 My new little mason jar candle holder and battery candle.

 There hangs Ray's hat as it would on any given day.

I hope you enjoyed my many pictures!

Donna










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Hello Everyone

 I doesn't seem like it's been over a month since I last posted. I went through a few rough days there with the year anniversary of Ray's death. Then we had an earthquake

which I have to admit was a little scary. Then a few days later we were hit by Irene. She left a lasting impression. No power for eight days and two trees down. The neighbor's tree split and it fell on our house with just few inches from Jessica's car. I can happily say we made it through both unharmed and survived without a television. The girls and I actually sat down and played games together. It wasn't too awful bad until you had to take a shower. Nothing fun about a cold shower. Trying to sleep with the humming of generators was not very pleasant either. When the power came back on the games and flashlights were put away. Kind of sad in a way. It was like when I was kid before cable. Funny what we can really live without when we don't have it.

As I mentioned we had to deal with Ray being gone a year. I took a few days off to just sit home and cry if I wanted. I can not tell you or explain just how much I miss him. I am so lonely without him. We did everything together from going grocery shopping to going to craft shows. Ray liked a lot of the same things I liked. Now when it came to sports that was his thing. Mine was scrap booking.  So we had our time apart doing what we enjoyed but my time with him was my favorite. I think back to how we talked about all we could do once Eleni was out of school. We were considering moving back in the city to be closer to my job. We were going to take a trip last fall just the two of us. There were so many things we didn't get to do. I don't think ahead like that anymore I just go from day to day.

Last weekend Jessica gave her friend a baby shower with my help. Someone had to organize and prepare everything. It was very nice. I made her a tricycle out of diapers it turned out pretty cute. I was impressed. Hearing her talk about the baby made me kind of sad. I can remember being pregnant with Jessica and being so excited and scared at the same time. I just could not wait to see what kind of parents we would be and who our baby would look like. I was flooded with memories of Ray before he ever got sick. Then I realized Ray will not be here when the girls have children. He always wanted a son and we had joked a few times about trying again. We knew it just wasn't meant to be. We had hoped to one day have a grandson.

I have noticed I have a few new followers. Thanks for stopping by and reading my blog. It hasn't been a lot about decorating but hopefully one day I will get some pictures of my living room and office before I move. We are now on a month to month lease. I am looking for something cheaper but I am trying to stay in the same school district so Eleni doesn't have to change schools. This means slim pickings. I just want something smaller and cute. I always see little houses and just fall in love with them. Something with a cute little porch to decorate as the seasons change. I just want something I won't have to struggle with month to month to make it. My dad is helping me out until I move or Eleni graduates. It's still tight. I am constantly robbing Peter to pay Paul. I'm sure I'm not the only one out there. I don't things are getting better I worry we still have the worst to come. Well, I have talked enough. Thanks again to all who visit me new and old followers. Always remember blog friends are the best.

Donna