Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Ray. Today he would have been 43. I was looking forward to many more birthdays and holidays with him and my girls. Sometimes I just want to pick up the phone and tell him about my day or the latest gossip I heard. I have to remind myself sometimes he's really gone. Seems so unfair he was so young. I know I seem to be dwelling on Ray a lot. This time of year was so special to us and I miss him being excited with me and shopping with me. Ray was great at surprising me with gifts. Every year he tried to give me a nice piece of jewelry or some little trinket with our names on it. I loved the jewelry don't get me wrong but those little gifts mean just as much to me. it's funny what we find special. I have a basket with littlet hings in it I saved over the years. Old movie stubs little notes saying Ray loves Donna. These little things mean more to me now than they ever did. I am thankful for all those little pieces of memories I kept. Just wondering have you kept little things like this? I guess I am very sentimental because I did the same thing with my girls. I made Jessica a scrapbook with things from her school days. I had kept little things from every year. Now I have to finish Eleni's book. I hope one day they will be like me and  keep those little things since they both swear they will not follow in my country decor foot steps.

I have been reading a few new blogs lately since some of the blogs I loved to follow quit blogging. I have even added a few new followers. I just hope I don't bore you too much. It's kind of funny I met a lot of the bloggers from the Country Sampler forum, then I followed their blogs, and now I follow many of them on Face Book. Time just keeps moving even when you wish it would slow down some.

Just curious has anyone started decorating for Christmas?

Donna

25 YEARS

I woke up with a stomach bug this morning so I called out. I was catching up on the blogs and realized I hadn't posted in almost a month. So today I thought I would write about something very special to me. Today Ray and I started dating 25 years ago. We were so young and carefree seems like ages ago. If I had known then what I know now I wouldn't have done anything differently except maybe take more pictures of us together. I work with a group of young women most single mom's. I admire them for making it but I also feel bad for them. They were saying yesterday how hard dating is now. They asked how did Ray and I made it all those years. I said it's like a job you have to work at it. You have to be willing to listen and forgive. They don't think they will ever have that. I said when the right one comes along you just know. I have faith that one day they will also find the love of their lives.

Today I find myself really missing Ray. What an amazing thing these days to be with someone all those years. It's funny the things I can remember now that I had forgot about over the years. Once Ray and I went and sat on a park bench that over looked the city. I rode by there thousands of times before and forgot all about it. Seems like my memories are so much more detailed. I do sleep a lot these days. Everyone says I am sleeping too much and I need to get out and do something. The best thing about sleeping is dreaming about Ray. I just close my eyes and it's like living my life all over again. That is until I have to wake up and realize that he's gone all over again. I can only say in all honestly I would do anything and give up everything for one more day.

I will say one thing all my blog friends have stuck by me. You all always leave me a positive and kind comment. I don't hear from anyone anymore. Our phone never rings and no one ever comes by. This didn't used to bother me because I had Ray and the girls. They are my whole life. I just feel bad for the girls seems like everyone has moved on and forgot about them. It's hard being both mom and dad. I miss my old life.

Donna

Just Wondering

As I sit here thinking I can't help but wonder what my life would be like if Ray had lived. After Ray died things went so fast things to do and plan. It all didn't really hit me until two weeks later when I went back to work. We have to go by the hospital where he died. It all hit me at that moment. The realization of what had really happened. Small story short this lead to a major break down. I was seeing a counselor and my family Dr one to two times a week. I can honestly say I was at the lowest place I had ever been in my life. Suicide seemed like an easy out. I wouldn't have to hurt anymore and I would be with Ray again. He was the love of my life and it all fell apart so fast. After months of counseling this finally turned into seeing a psychiatrist. Yesterday I had my two month visit. I have learned to hide my feelings. He seen right through me. He said I need to stop pretending and start trying to move on. One thing that I struggle with is the decision to take Ray off life support. Even though they said there was nothing more they could do I still help wondering what if. What if a miracle happened and he got better. What if I decided to quickly and didn't give him a chance to fight back. Just sitting here wondering today.

This time of year is really hard for me. Ray loved football and racing. It seems funny to see Fall coming and no football or racing on my TV all weekend. Ray and I met on Halloween 25 years ago and started dating 2 days later and had been together every since then. Veteran's day would be Ray's 43'rd birthday. December 2 our 23'rd wedding anniversary. Once again it just makes me sit here and wonder what if?

I know I am blessed to have had that kind of love but I tell you it hurts like Hell when it's gone. My love for Ray will never be gone but I really miss my husband and best friend. I miss my morning kiss good bye and hearing I Love You. I miss being a couple. I have had a really hard time going back to Church. I just can't understand why? Why my husband the father of my children why so young? I know you are not supposed to ask why and knowing may not be any better but once again just wondering.

Sorry my post is sad today. I just needed to vent out loud. If you read this thanks for being there for me especially these past 14 months.

Donna

Fall Decor and Random Pictures

I had a really nice three day weekend. I was off Friday for a Dr's appointment then Jessica and I went to a few of my favorite little shops. I didn't really buy anything. I bought some tarts and I bought this cute little mason jar candle holder. I love my little lamps. It's like a black hook that hangs over the side of the jar and inside I added a battery candle. Then I added some potpourri and a piece of homespun at the top. Then we hit all the local stores. We mostly did a lot of window shopping. Then Saturday I made a pot of chili and took a nap. I love naps. Then today I just laid around and did much of nothing. Back to work tomorrow. I must be honest I miss being a stay at home mom. I miss the freedom I had through the day when everyone was at school and work. I miss my old life. I like working but now it's different. I don't feel like I am work towards anything. I am still trying to deal with this new life I was given without a choice.


I don't have a lot of Fall decorations. Most have been things I have gathered over the years and a lot came from friends. I have been very blessed to meet the best people in the world through blogging. My only wish is that we all lived closer to one another. You have been there for me on some of my worst days with a thoughtful word. I hope to continue to blog more as my life changes and who knows what the future holds? Now for some random pictures.

 My Boyd's wagon full of pumkins.

 Little Halloween Tree I bought from Target for $2.50!

 This bowl is from Rachel and the pillow was made by Linda. Two very special ladies!

 Another pillow made by Linda!

 Rachel also gace me this bowl and made the dough flowers.

 This is an old windoe frame Ray found for me.

 This is the living room and on the other side is my office aka my sitting room.

 My new little mason jar candle holder and battery candle.

 There hangs Ray's hat as it would on any given day.

I hope you enjoyed my many pictures!

Donna










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Hello Everyone

 I doesn't seem like it's been over a month since I last posted. I went through a few rough days there with the year anniversary of Ray's death. Then we had an earthquake

which I have to admit was a little scary. Then a few days later we were hit by Irene. She left a lasting impression. No power for eight days and two trees down. The neighbor's tree split and it fell on our house with just few inches from Jessica's car. I can happily say we made it through both unharmed and survived without a television. The girls and I actually sat down and played games together. It wasn't too awful bad until you had to take a shower. Nothing fun about a cold shower. Trying to sleep with the humming of generators was not very pleasant either. When the power came back on the games and flashlights were put away. Kind of sad in a way. It was like when I was kid before cable. Funny what we can really live without when we don't have it.

As I mentioned we had to deal with Ray being gone a year. I took a few days off to just sit home and cry if I wanted. I can not tell you or explain just how much I miss him. I am so lonely without him. We did everything together from going grocery shopping to going to craft shows. Ray liked a lot of the same things I liked. Now when it came to sports that was his thing. Mine was scrap booking.  So we had our time apart doing what we enjoyed but my time with him was my favorite. I think back to how we talked about all we could do once Eleni was out of school. We were considering moving back in the city to be closer to my job. We were going to take a trip last fall just the two of us. There were so many things we didn't get to do. I don't think ahead like that anymore I just go from day to day.

Last weekend Jessica gave her friend a baby shower with my help. Someone had to organize and prepare everything. It was very nice. I made her a tricycle out of diapers it turned out pretty cute. I was impressed. Hearing her talk about the baby made me kind of sad. I can remember being pregnant with Jessica and being so excited and scared at the same time. I just could not wait to see what kind of parents we would be and who our baby would look like. I was flooded with memories of Ray before he ever got sick. Then I realized Ray will not be here when the girls have children. He always wanted a son and we had joked a few times about trying again. We knew it just wasn't meant to be. We had hoped to one day have a grandson.

I have noticed I have a few new followers. Thanks for stopping by and reading my blog. It hasn't been a lot about decorating but hopefully one day I will get some pictures of my living room and office before I move. We are now on a month to month lease. I am looking for something cheaper but I am trying to stay in the same school district so Eleni doesn't have to change schools. This means slim pickings. I just want something smaller and cute. I always see little houses and just fall in love with them. Something with a cute little porch to decorate as the seasons change. I just want something I won't have to struggle with month to month to make it. My dad is helping me out until I move or Eleni graduates. It's still tight. I am constantly robbing Peter to pay Paul. I'm sure I'm not the only one out there. I don't things are getting better I worry we still have the worst to come. Well, I have talked enough. Thanks again to all who visit me new and old followers. Always remember blog friends are the best.

Donna

Lost in Time

I find myself lost in time as I remember my life a year ago. I was on my third straight night at the hospital. I remember sitting and waiting for something good to happen only to be told you may not make it through the night. My heart fell to the bottom of my stomach as I heard the news. How was I going to tell the girls there dad may not make it? Eleni took the news very hard and Jessica turned and walked away. I had to break the news to Ray's family. Ray's brother took the girls home for me and the rest of us spent the night sleeping in chairs. I came back to see Ray as much as they would let me. I remember as the sun was coming out looking out the window and praying for a miracle. I was on my fourth day with very little sleep wondering how was I still standing. As the day went by I spent most of it sitting by Ray's side holding his hand and praying so hard. I could see it in his face he looked so tired like he was fighting with all he had. The day went on I watched as he became worse. Then the moment came they told me there was nothing more they could do. A part of me died when Ray did that night.

The last year has been a year of pure hell. I just kept reliving that night over and over for months. I didn't eat or sleep. I wanted to just die so I could be with Ray. The days turned into weeks and the weeks into months. I had all of my year of first without Ray. Now it's a year since he has been gone. Time doesn't heal it just helps you cope. I don't know that I will ever really heal from this. The pain I feel today is as strong as the pain that I felt a year ago. Ray was my life. I adored my husband and loved being married. I loved being a mom and wife. If you are reading this please take one word of advice from me PICTURES! As the mom I was always taking the pictures and have very few of us all together. I cherish everyone of those pictures and moments. You always think you have time but when the truth is told we really don't know how much time we have with the one's we love. Cherish every moment you have together with the one's you love.

I know this past year my blog has been sad. It has helped me learn to cope as I have poured my feelings out. Thank you to those who have stuck by me and left me such great comments. Thanks for being there when I needed it most.

Donna

Blog Friends are the BEST

I received an email from a dear sweet blogger Rachel. Her blog is called http://somewhere in the middle/ she loves her family and her home and gardens are beautiful. Her email asked could she send me some things to help me decorate my living room. I was so shocked and happy when I received her package. It was loaded with one goodie after another. I have been blessed to receive so many things from bloggers. The best gift of all is each and every friend I have met from blogging. Rachel thanks so much and I will post pictures soon. I loved each and every gift. Make sure you pop over and check out her blog and her mom and sisters blog also.

Have you ever seen a house and you just wish you could go and look through the windows. I live around house that were mostly built in the late 60's or early 70's. Every now and then they will clear out a wooded lot and up goes a beautiful brand new home. Well, in the middle someone has built a most gorgeous house. It's a red salt box house with blue shutters and white trim. I can tell by the curtains it has to be prim. I'm dieing to just knock on the door and say can I adore your house from the inside awhile. The funny thing is when I show my friends this house I love and my daughter I get the same face and comments " It looks like a barn!" This is when I miss Ray the most because even if he thought that he would have said something I wanted to hear. He got me and that's what made our love so special. We really knew one another like best friends. I have a lot of friends well, I did I have pushed so many people away this past year. I just need time to heal my way. I don't have any friends like you in blog land. I was telling a friend about painting a shelf and she was so not interested. I have no one who appreciates my love for old things. Everyone is so busy trying to have the new and the best and they don't take the time to appreciate what's around them.

As I approach the anniversary of Ray's death I have been feeling really down and depressed. I feel like I'm living this awful dream all over again. My heart breaks and aches for the life I used to have. I hope to get through the next week without too many tears. Thanks again for everyone out there who leaves me such great messages. They have helped me get through some of my worse days!

Donna