SILENCE

As I sit here at my desk I am surrounded by silence. I hear absolutely nothing. The girls are still asleep as well as the cats and dog. I know it's just a matter of time before Eleni wakes up and turns on her stereo and calls me fifty times for no reason. Soon Jessica will be waking up and she will turn on the TV to watch while she eats before she leaves for work. Abby will soon be chasing the cats because after all that's what dogs do, but for now I will enjoy the silence.

This year started off a little shaky. I woke up New Year's Day with a migraine that lasted for 3 days. I finally went to the Dr a few prescriptions and a steroid shot later it began to ease up. If anyone out there suffers from migraines you know how bad they can be. Most of the time I have to just sleep them through. Then I woke up with another yesterday. I took some meds and a nap and woke up feeling better. Every since we moved in this house I have suffered migraines. I am wondering if it's from the oil heater furnace. It heats our hot water so it runs all year. I have a carbon monoxide detector but I wonder if the fumes are just enough to give me a headache but not harm me. When we first moved here we were told it was central air and heat and oil hot water. Ok no big deal. Well, what was not told to me is when it gets a certain temperature the oil heat kicks in. Last year it was so cold I was buying oil constantly. This year I am loving the warmer temps. I keep the heat on really low and we just use a lot of blankets. I just don't have the money to spend on oil like I had last year.

I'm not sure if you remember me talking about how much I hated my job. Then things turned around when we got a new manager. He was a blessing in disguise. He really turned our department around and made it a place you wanted to come. When Ray got sick my manager would call and check on us. He was more than a manger he had become my friend. Long story short they announced to us that he would be leaving the department to manage a new department. I can honestly say the whole department was sad. I wish him the best but hate to see him go. They announced who our new senior manager  which is another really nice man. I know he will do a good job but it just won't be the same. We all know I'm not a fan of change.

I have gained a few new followers and received a few emails. I'm looking forward to getting to know them better. I have been trying to follow more blogs because I love reading about every one's daily experiences whether it be in decorating or just everyday life. I have said it more times than I'm sure you want to hear I miss my old life. Someone once asked me how I was doing and I said you know your whole daily routine is thrown off. I get up in the mornings and get ready for work alone. I do not get a kiss goodbye or hear I love you. These are the things that can throw your whole routine off. This is all before I get to work so you can imagine how sad my evenings have become. Most nights I eat alone if the girls are out or working. I watch my favorite show The Young and the Restless and then I get on the computer for a bit. Go to bed and read a little and then to sleep. I only go out to buy groceries or if I need something for the house. I probably have  been out less than 10 times for fun since Ray died. I am just content at home. I am always afraid I will see people I haven't seen in awhile when I do I really try to go the other way. I just can't handle being asked so how are you doing. The truth is I die a little inside everyday but you would never know. I put on a fake smile for my girls and pretend things are ok. Sometimes it's easier to hide behind a lie than to tell the truth.

I can't believe it everyone is still asleep and all I hear is silence. Wow! I hope you all have a wonderful and blessed day. Thanks again for your kind words and for stopping by.

Donna

2012

Happy New Year everyone. I hope everyone enjoyed the holidays this year. They came and went so fast. It's true the older you get the faster time goes. I did make it until midnight. I did not watch the ball drop. We have not cut Ray's phone off yet so at midnight I called his phone just to hear his voice. I just needed to start my new year off with him in it. The girls made me a recording of his voice mail message for Christmas. It's time we cut the phone off but I will still have his voice.

This year will come with a lot of changes. My youngest Eleni will be graduating in June. I know we will be moving around that time. Not sure what all the future holds or where we may end up but I know changes are coming. Everyone says June isn't far away and I need to start thinking what's my next move. To be honest it's just too far ahead for me. I'm still taking things one day at a time any more than that is too much.

2011 offered a lot of changes for me. My life seemed too cluttered with things. Once Ray died I started to give away things. I was a huge Boyd's Bear collector and now I have boxed them all away. Anyone looking for a special piece or interested they are free to a good home. I started giving away Longaberger baskets and pottery. I gave away pieces of furniture and pictures. If I didn't use it or want it I just gave it away. I held on to a few pieces of Ray's clothes because they reminded me of him or still smelled like him. I finally parted with those. It's the simple things I have come to cherish the most. I couldn't part with Ray's favorite base ball hat. It's worn and stained but when I see it it makes me smile. Over the years Ray has spoiled me at Christmas. He would buy me bears and baskets galore. Then later in years he started buying me jewelry. My favorite gift of all is the 2 little snowmen globe ornaments he gave me with our names on them. Something he probably bought at Michael's. They are so simple and personal I keep them out year round. I have a basket full of cards and ticket stubs from over the years. I didn't get rid of everything of Ray's. The girls took some things and I kept his sword and knife collection along with his jewelry and golf clubs. I still have our collection of golf balls from when we would go to different places. It's funny because I didn't invade Ray's personal space so to speak. When he died I had to go through his things. In his golf bag I found some old coins Ray had found while playing golf. The girls had given him a #1 Dad golf ball and I was told later by his friends he only used it for putting. He cherished that ball. Once again it's the simple things that mean the most. When it's my time to go I want Jessica and Eleni to want things that make them think of Ray and I, not a bunch of stuff that will end up in a good will or yard sale. Sometimes things are just that things.

2011 my depression seemed to get better. I did away with so many meds. I felt like a zombie some days. I have learned to control my tears in public. Where as before they flowed if you just looked at me. I still see my Dr regularly and he says I've come a long way but I still have a little further to go. I just don't know I will ever be who I once was a part of me died when Ray died. I get up and try to make the best of everyday. Trust me some days it's a real chore but I have to. I hope 2012 will continue to bring me more days I can cope with and less tears.

If you have read this thanks so much. Thanks for stopping by and for always leaving me encouraging messages. It's the theraphy that has helped the most!

Donna

Changes

A sudden sadness came over me today as I took down the Christmas decorations. I had a very hard time with Christmas this year. I bet our tree wasn't cut on 10 times. This past week I have cut it on every night. Something about the tree brought me peace. Like sitting by my pool did in the summer months. Why must the things that bring us the most comfort and peace have to go away?

Everyone has plans for New Year's even if it's to sit home and watch the ball drop. Staying at home doesn't bother me at all it's the loneliness that comes with it. I have struggled time and time again with losing Ray. I didn't just lose my husband and friend I lost my title as a wife. I can always remember wanting to get married and have children. I loved being a wife. It's hard because when someone dies every thing changes. You are now not a couple but single no longer a wife but a widow things will no longer be what they were. Once again my comfort and peace were gone.

I hope everyone this year will treasure every single day you have with loved one's. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. Takes a lot of pictures and make a lot of memories. My memories are now all I have for peace and comfort. If you have gotten anything out of my blog this past year remember to say I love you when you can and I'm sorry when you need to! I never imagined my life like this and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Happy New Year everyone and thanks for stopping by!

Donna

Anniversaries

As many of you know from my previous post that November 2nd would have been 25 years since Ray and I started dating. This past Friday the 2nd would have been our 23rd wedding anniversary. This was always my favorite time of year. Ray and I always spent time alone and did a little Christmas shopping for the girls. In the earlier years we would get a over night sitter but later in years we would go to Williamsburg for the weekend. I have so many wonderful memories of anniversaries past. I can't but help to feel really alone this time of year now.

I put our tree and decorations up a couple of weekends ago. It's just not the same for me. I loved to have my tree on and I could sit by it for hours just looking at it. This year I don't even cut it on. Jessica and Eleni turn it on by it's almost invisible to me this year. My heart is just not the same. I am trying to get past this but this year seems a little harder. I used to love Thanksgiving and Black Friday. I did do both this year for my girls. If it weren't for them I could probably sleep through all of this.

On a good note I have so enjoyed all of the pictures of every ones house decorated. I love all the prim ornaments and decor. My poor tree doesn't have a topper. I just can not find one I really like. They are too gaudy and just not prim enough. I still have time maybe I will run across something I like. At work we are having a contest for best decorated cubical. I decided to participate just for the heck of it. I'm doing a winter wonderland. We can not use lights because of fire issues. So I bought a lot of blue and silver garland and tons of snow flakes. You can get so much for so little at the dollar tree. I'll let you know how it turns out. I even bought a couple of blue frames. I'm going to put up a few older Christmas pictures of my girls and Ray and I.

I guess i better close for now. Thanks again for stopping by and always a big THANKS for your wonderful comments!

Donna

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Ray. Today he would have been 43. I was looking forward to many more birthdays and holidays with him and my girls. Sometimes I just want to pick up the phone and tell him about my day or the latest gossip I heard. I have to remind myself sometimes he's really gone. Seems so unfair he was so young. I know I seem to be dwelling on Ray a lot. This time of year was so special to us and I miss him being excited with me and shopping with me. Ray was great at surprising me with gifts. Every year he tried to give me a nice piece of jewelry or some little trinket with our names on it. I loved the jewelry don't get me wrong but those little gifts mean just as much to me. it's funny what we find special. I have a basket with littlet hings in it I saved over the years. Old movie stubs little notes saying Ray loves Donna. These little things mean more to me now than they ever did. I am thankful for all those little pieces of memories I kept. Just wondering have you kept little things like this? I guess I am very sentimental because I did the same thing with my girls. I made Jessica a scrapbook with things from her school days. I had kept little things from every year. Now I have to finish Eleni's book. I hope one day they will be like me and  keep those little things since they both swear they will not follow in my country decor foot steps.

I have been reading a few new blogs lately since some of the blogs I loved to follow quit blogging. I have even added a few new followers. I just hope I don't bore you too much. It's kind of funny I met a lot of the bloggers from the Country Sampler forum, then I followed their blogs, and now I follow many of them on Face Book. Time just keeps moving even when you wish it would slow down some.

Just curious has anyone started decorating for Christmas?

Donna

25 YEARS

I woke up with a stomach bug this morning so I called out. I was catching up on the blogs and realized I hadn't posted in almost a month. So today I thought I would write about something very special to me. Today Ray and I started dating 25 years ago. We were so young and carefree seems like ages ago. If I had known then what I know now I wouldn't have done anything differently except maybe take more pictures of us together. I work with a group of young women most single mom's. I admire them for making it but I also feel bad for them. They were saying yesterday how hard dating is now. They asked how did Ray and I made it all those years. I said it's like a job you have to work at it. You have to be willing to listen and forgive. They don't think they will ever have that. I said when the right one comes along you just know. I have faith that one day they will also find the love of their lives.

Today I find myself really missing Ray. What an amazing thing these days to be with someone all those years. It's funny the things I can remember now that I had forgot about over the years. Once Ray and I went and sat on a park bench that over looked the city. I rode by there thousands of times before and forgot all about it. Seems like my memories are so much more detailed. I do sleep a lot these days. Everyone says I am sleeping too much and I need to get out and do something. The best thing about sleeping is dreaming about Ray. I just close my eyes and it's like living my life all over again. That is until I have to wake up and realize that he's gone all over again. I can only say in all honestly I would do anything and give up everything for one more day.

I will say one thing all my blog friends have stuck by me. You all always leave me a positive and kind comment. I don't hear from anyone anymore. Our phone never rings and no one ever comes by. This didn't used to bother me because I had Ray and the girls. They are my whole life. I just feel bad for the girls seems like everyone has moved on and forgot about them. It's hard being both mom and dad. I miss my old life.

Donna

Just Wondering

As I sit here thinking I can't help but wonder what my life would be like if Ray had lived. After Ray died things went so fast things to do and plan. It all didn't really hit me until two weeks later when I went back to work. We have to go by the hospital where he died. It all hit me at that moment. The realization of what had really happened. Small story short this lead to a major break down. I was seeing a counselor and my family Dr one to two times a week. I can honestly say I was at the lowest place I had ever been in my life. Suicide seemed like an easy out. I wouldn't have to hurt anymore and I would be with Ray again. He was the love of my life and it all fell apart so fast. After months of counseling this finally turned into seeing a psychiatrist. Yesterday I had my two month visit. I have learned to hide my feelings. He seen right through me. He said I need to stop pretending and start trying to move on. One thing that I struggle with is the decision to take Ray off life support. Even though they said there was nothing more they could do I still help wondering what if. What if a miracle happened and he got better. What if I decided to quickly and didn't give him a chance to fight back. Just sitting here wondering today.

This time of year is really hard for me. Ray loved football and racing. It seems funny to see Fall coming and no football or racing on my TV all weekend. Ray and I met on Halloween 25 years ago and started dating 2 days later and had been together every since then. Veteran's day would be Ray's 43'rd birthday. December 2 our 23'rd wedding anniversary. Once again it just makes me sit here and wonder what if?

I know I am blessed to have had that kind of love but I tell you it hurts like Hell when it's gone. My love for Ray will never be gone but I really miss my husband and best friend. I miss my morning kiss good bye and hearing I Love You. I miss being a couple. I have had a really hard time going back to Church. I just can't understand why? Why my husband the father of my children why so young? I know you are not supposed to ask why and knowing may not be any better but once again just wondering.

Sorry my post is sad today. I just needed to vent out loud. If you read this thanks for being there for me especially these past 14 months.

Donna